Today was our annual family bash for Big One’s birthday. I invited only family knowing any more than that I would definitely go over the edge, but even then it was overwhelming at times, and I had to come in the house to take a breather a couple times.
Everyone was extremely generous in their gifts for Big One, and I think he was happy- he ended up with a lot of cash- who wouldn’t like that?
Things were hard for me at times, old feelings, old memories, people acting immature, and petty. People not understanding where I am coming from, or why I am acting the way I do. But it’s not my problem if they don’t understand me that’s their problem right?? That’s a hard truth for me to accept I want people to like me, I want people to be happy with me. I don’t want to cause waves.
But all in all Big One had a good time and despite my uncomfortableness that’s all that matters (spell check is telling me uncomfortableness isn’t a word but I deem it a word so it is. So there dictionary.com).
I talked to my sister in law today about her gastric bypass surgery. She’s 7 years out. It’s something I have been toying with in the future, once my head is in a better space. But after talking to her, it seems like it won’t help me with the issues I have with food. Which deep down I already knew, but it also was extremely disappointing. I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate how fat I am, and I have no idea how to change it, in a way that is consistent and permanent. I lost weight for a time, but then it all came back. I feel like I am hideous. And I feel like there are 2 choices, accept that I will always be fat, and live that way until I die or it kills me, or just die. They both have the same outcome and neither outcome is really a reality. Im stuck. I don’t know what to do. Being at the party today just served to remind me how big I am. I don’t think a single picture was taken of me, and I didn’t take any. I really hope there were no pictures. I would be mortified.
My mother in law, she was her usual self. She thinks I should postpone my hip and hand surgeries so I can be around to help hubby. He has slowed down as much as I am going to be able to get him to, and there is nothing more I can do for him except work on getting me better. And the key to my mental health isn’t just working on my head, it’s working on my physical pains, my physical health. But I have to excuse her because her priority is her son, and I can’t fault her for it.
I had so much more I wanted to say- like I am pretty sure the last car to leave (other than my inlaws who stayed 3 hours later than everyone elses) wasn’t even to the end of the street before I was in the shower washing the outside off of me. But my eyes are closing, I am exhausted…. maybe more tomorrow.
The Things We Hide Inside 