Counseling (PollyAnna) Frustrates me…

So today was PollyAnna day.  It had already been a crappy day we found out that Big One needs glasses and he was NOT happy.  Then both kids had med management appointments, they tweaked both kids’ meds- big one is getting something that will help with his high anxiety, and little one is getting a long acting version of a med she’s already taking so that we ALL can have some sleep since little one comes in our bed every night at 2am.

After their med appointments I met with PollyAnna, she is a typical counselor who answers a question with a question and never spoon feeds you ANYTHING. This week we talked a lot about 1. avoidance….. how I was even avoiding her questions to the point that I didn’t remember the question.  2. Why I feel like everyone’ s happiness, success, sadness and failures fall on my head, that I don’t have that kind of control and 3. change.  Do I really WANT to change and what am I willing to do to change.

Im supposed to think about that this week.

  1. Do I want to/am I ready to change?
  2. What am I willing to do to change?

I asked her change what? What part? There’s much to change… and she said “how can I tell you what to change first?” Im like you are NO HELP.

And then what am I willing to do? I have no idea how to change, Ive been this way my whole life and so how would I know how to change. If I knew how to change I would have done that already.  How am I supposed to answer these questions if I don’t even know where to begin. So confusing. So hard.

So that last post….

That last post was so forced. I was looking for things to say, because I can’t express what I really want to say.

I have shut off my emotions.  I pretty much feel nothing other than the anxiety.  I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel anything much at all. My OCD is in full swing, making little one put fresh socks on every night before bed, so that her dirty feet don’t come into my bed at 2 am, which she’s been doing every day for over a week.  I still nap as much as I can, big one has been awful culminating in throwing a pencil at me today and a water bottle at his worker.

What I can’t stop thinking about is the 2 sides of my brain thing. I have to talk to PollyAnna about that on Wednesday and I am no closer to having an answer for her on how to get rid of the chaos, or at the very least how to live in coexistence with both sides.    It gives me a stomach ache to think about it to be honest.

I just that there is no logic to this process. You can’t have order and chaos together, and life doesn’t exist without chaos, because you can’t control your entire world.  Everyone’s world is too big, and there are too many variables. This is really messing with my ability to think of anything else.

The other problem is this stupid diet I have to follow counting carbs at each meal.  The pills make me sick and the only snacks I can have is protein, and I am getting sick of cheese cheese cheese, almonds, peanuts, blah blah blah.  I want cookies, crackers and ice cream. But at the same time I don’t want to end up like my dad. ugh. There is no good answer.  My mom gives him 3 months to live, and given the fact that she worked in nursing homes and hospitals for so long she knows. He’s 57. So I really need to take this seriously.

I thin I have so much on my mind that I can’t even sort through it all.

Mundane life….

Lately it seems like every day is like the one before.  The new med the endocrinologist put me on makes me sick, I either nauseous or have gastro issues.  I can’t even remember what happened the past couple days. Well, with the exception on yesterday.

Right now we are in school prep mode, so I am trying to gather all our curriculum and clean the school room, that became a junk room over the past year because we schooled at the table, but hubby wants to separate the kids- probably a good idea. I don’t have much energy to get it done.  The old me would have had it done weeks ago, and school planned till Christmas. I will probably end up doing all my planning last minute.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to go see my mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and step-dad. I was going to wear the snarkiest shirt I have “Im real good at making bad decisions”, but after I did my quiet time and read my Bible, the Holy Spirit prompted me with an article on how to make WISE decisions and one of them was “does it glorify God?” So, I unpacked my snarky shirt and wore a plain purple one.   I went with the intention of not discussing the email, and to go with a spirit that Jesus would have, of love, forgiveness and reconciliation.  And as always God’s way was the best way.  The BBQ went fine, the kids had fun, the email was not brought up and life moved on.  That’s not to say I didn’t want to point out how different my kids were this year since last year, but I resisted the urge.  It wasn’t easy.  But I made it through the day.

Tomorrow, I get to go see Dr Handsome for my 9 week follow up on my hip surgery. A very long drive which I am having anxiety about. But I have to go, and little one has OT so hubby has to take her to that.  Im not really sure what he will do at this appointment, or what he tell me I am allowed to do.  I am pretty certain that my other hip has the same issue but, it also could have to do with the fact that I have overcompensated the other hip.  So I will probably wait a while to make sure it’s not just that.

My anxiety has been somewhat high lately, and I haven’t been as diligent at taking my valium and I have been getting chest pains, pains that wrap around my whole body and hurt into my back. I need to be better at taking them, because obviously missing them is really affecting me.

I got groceries alone, and I am really thinking I need to disappear…

Hubby and I made a deal, if I did the grocery shopping he would wash all the eggs we had waiting to be washed. I agreed to the deal and then remembered he would have washed them all anyway. CRAP! But no takebacks. So off I went to Walmart.  As usual I put my reusable bags in the bottom of the cart whenI walked in so when my cart was overfowing (literally – we try to shop a month at time for things other than perishables)….So I had to dig through the cart to get those out. Fun times.  And I hate the way people look at me when my cart is overflowing. Take a picture it’ll last longer…. they probably do and I am on the people of Walmart site somewhere.  Once I finished Walmart I went to the local grocery store for meat. We don’t buy our meat at Walmart.

So I get home and one child ignores me and the other hollers at me.  I said maybe it would be better if I were gone.  And I wasn’t kidding.  I am so tired of being disrespected, not listened to, and ignored. I want to run away.  Part of me wants to go empty all our accounts and take off.  You know, I would settle for a full night, and full day alone in a motel with no one talking to me, no one bothering me, no one ignoring me. But that’ll never happen. So my next wish is to be sick or hurt enough to go to the hospital for a day or three.  Have meals brought to me, lay in bed and sleep as much as I want without people poking me awake.

Mary Poppins asked me about self harm the other day.  I told her I have been thinking about it a lot, especially since I can’t turn to junk food anymore if I am going to follow what the endocrinologist wants…. and I don’t want to end up like dad. But I told her I would be having my other hand done soon so I have to wait.  She joked that she was going to keep me scheduled in surgeries indefinitely …. I got plenty she could schedule- weight loss, skin removal, breast reduction, tonsillectomy, fix my other hip, lobotomy…ok that last one was a joke.

Im tired. And it’s not lack of sleep tired. I’m worn.  And I have to spend tomorrow with my mom and step dad. It’ll be the first time I have seen him since “the text”. My husband wants to punch him out… Thankfully I know he has more self control…. I hope.

 

What would you be if you weren’t a human?

Today I was getting gas before heading to see Mary Poppins, and the pump was running up higher and higher, I was watching a spider climbed down on her silk and I was thinking about how nice it would be to be a spider. It got me thinking about charlottes web. Charlotte had a job to do all she had to do was spin her web, and spin a new one every day untuntil it was time to lay her eggs and then she passed on. The babies grew in her egg sack hatched, and all but 3 flew off to make their own life, without the influence of a parent, their successes were their own, and their failures their own. And I was thinking about how much I might like to be a spider.  Just spinning my webs, day after day.

What I learned about Charlotte was she is an Araneus cavaticus.

Barn Spiders (Araneus cavaticus) are large, grayish, heavy-bodied spiders. This is one of the Araneus species known as “angulate”, a reference to the well-developed “shoulder humps”. On the underside of the abdomen it has a broad black band running down the center, the forward half bordered by two curving yellow lines, with a pair of yellow spots near the center of this band. Barn Spiders are found in the eastern United States from New England and adjacent Canada southwest through West Virginia to Alabama and Texas, but are generally more common in the northern part of the range. They often often build their webs around structures such as barns, bridges, arbors, fences, and porches, but have also been found beneath overhanging cliffs.

Adults of both sexes are densely covered with spines and hair-like bristles. The legs of the male are very long and thin and densely covered with long, thin spines. Body length is around 13 to 22 mm for females and 10 to 19 mm for males.

Orb webs are taken down (consumed) at the end of each night and rebult the next night. Most of the web is effectively solubilized and recycled by the spider (Townley and Tillinghast 1988).

This species is famous in literature as the model for Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web by the 20th century American author E.B. White.

But then I thought about all the people that hate spiders and the fact that I might get smooshed.

I thought about a maple tree.  Providing sap in the spring and gorgeous colors in the fall. But I could get chopped down and made into a piece of furniture, or a hardwood floor I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad….

I don’t know why I was thinking this, but it’s all I could think abut my entire trip to Mary Poppins office….

So what would you be if you weren’t a human?

 

 

How Did I Get Here?

Do you ever just look around at your life and wonder what the heck happened any how you got here?

I got the results of my thyroid etc tests.  Everything was perfect, even my TSH went from 4.08 to 1.82. My antibodies were negative, my adrenal was fine everything was perfect. Except it’s not.  That means all my problems are between my ears.

It’s sad to think that good news made me sad. I should be happy my thyroid isn’t shot, but I’m not.  That would have provided an explanation that went beyond psychiatric. But no. I couldn’t get so lucky.  I know that sounds ridiculous but without a medical explanation it is all psychiatric. That’s so depressing.

That’s all I have for now.

Working up a sweat

Last night was a BAD depression night. The OT had me really upset about little one’s worries, and all I could think was that the author of the email was right. I was ruining my children. Everything is all my fault. That I should just leave they would be better off without me.

So today I avoided in the morning- I napped and read. Then I had PT.  And I pushed HARD! I did the upright bike first as always and my goal was to do 1.75miles in 8 minutes on level 8. I know that doesn’t sound like much but remember I had hip surgery 8 weeks ago. And then it was the leg press machine, and I just really pushed HARD the entire hour session.  I was red faced and sweating. I have always found that when I am upset if I physically push myself I can stop myself from thinking a little bit at least.  The last 5 or 6 minutes she massaged the muscle that connects to my IT band and man it hurt so good.

After I got done with PT I got a text from my dad’s ex and he was being brought back to the hospital from the hotel.   He fell off the toilet and hit his head. And that he was finally agreeing to go to assisted living.  He called me later and I got more information. He fell off the toilet trying to reach his walker.  He not only hit his head but he fractured his hip :(. I am happy that he’s back in the hospital, but I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for hip surgery, for them to put in pins.  This means he missed dialysis today. I pray and hope this is a wake up call for him.

I know it was a wake up call for me. My endocrinologist wants me on 2000mg of metformin for my insulin resistance, and she wants me on the diabetic diet, and finally to lose 10lbs in 6 months.  My plan was to wait tilll month 5 and lose the 10lbs, but hubby put things into perspective, he said: “so you are going to do the exact thing that your dad does that makes you so angry?”. BURN. So today I started researching some protein shakes to help with snacks since I often turn to crackers, chips, cereal etc.  I will probably have to go back to yogurt, oatmeal, eggs for breakfast and quit the Cocoa Pebbles. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I want to live a life I can enjoy once my children are grown. So now in addition to getting mentally healthy I have to work on my physical health and well-being.  This may just push me over the edge, but we shall see….

Until next time….