So tired…

It’s 9:40am, I’ve been up since 9am and I just can’t shake the sleepiness.  I need to- I have to drive big one 2 hours south to have his kidneys and bladder ultrasounded to make sure there are no defects that are causing the bed wetting at this late age (14.5). We were supposed to go a couple months ago but he went through a 2 week period where he stopped wetting (the longest since he was trained at 3) so we thought we were in the clear- nope.  Little one (7) is still wetting at night too. Though I know more “typical” it’s still frustrating that we have been buying “diapers” for almost 15 years nonstop for only 2 kids! 

This is just one of the things weighing on my mind today, I hope he’s ok, and it’s just a he’ll grow out of it thing. Please if you are a praying person please pray for answers- but gentle answers….if you get what I mean…

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Scratched the itch to feel the burn…

On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.

Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains.  And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.

Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….

 

It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again.  It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together.  I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.

Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today.  Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb.  So something else to worry about….

Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.

What to write….

Im wasting another day with my kids.  Im letting big one do his work independently while hubby took little one to OT.  I sat in my chair watching a movie,  and to be honest feeling sorry for myself. I have been so depressed lately.  And it seems like life just keeps throwing curveballs into my life.

In June I always go away for a girls weekend, my friend and I stay near the beach, we go to a used curriculum sale, and then to my place- Ikea. But this year June didn’t work because of my surgery.  We rescheduled for October because that was the next time we could make it work, and now she’s had to change it again. Once we had the date set I got a text her husband would be away so she has to see if her MIL can take her kids.   I am about ready to just say this trip is jinxed and we shouldn’t go.  And I can’t help but wonder if she doesn’t want to go with me. She hasn’t been talking to me as much, and I wonder if she’s sick of me.  I don’t know what to do.  Normally I would just pull away and  our friendship would fizzle out but I don’t want to lose her.

In addition hubby and the kids will be going away for a couple days soon, leaving me home all alone.  I am scared to death.  Sure I have 3 huge dogs, and. I live in a safe neighborhood in the country suburbs, but still.   I have been trying to get someone to stay over with me because my paranoia and OCD make it hard for me to be alone.  One friend could stay one night but no one else so far can stay the other 2 nights. I went so far as to as. my MOM- I never ask her for favors because she always says no.  And surprise surprise she said no.

Oh well I have to end the pity party here time for PT.

Grumpy Dwarf

Today I’m sad/grumpy dwarf so here’s a list of things I’m tired of hearing.

1. Just one more show

2. 5 more minutes/ wait until I get to a save point.

3. No

4. I have a stomach ache and then proceeds to eat the entire contents of the pantry after he’s thrown the rest of his breakfast away. 

5. But my belly hurts I can’t eat anymore complete with stomache holding…5 mins later dishes cleared “can I have ice cream now?”

6. I’m starving can I have a popsicle, chips, pickles, candy – no we’re cooking dinner right now… they go away without a snack… 10 mins later we holler “dinner”…. “I’m not hungry”.

7. Can we skip school today?

8. Why do you hate me?

9. 10am: Are you still wearing your pull up – “yes” change it. 11am are you still wearing your pull up? Yes…. I SAID CHANGE IT!

10. Listening to anyone in my family eat cereal.

11.  Any other excuse related to schoolwork

12. X,Y, or Z school program broke my computer, I come over to check- “oh it’s fine now”…

I could go on and on and on but I’ll stop here… the list is endless and I need to breathe and appreciate my family….
Ps I skipped the obvious – I’m bored, when will we get there, is it time yet, why are you so mean, I don’t want to….you know the endless list…

Ok that’s done

2:06am and I am 97% confident all pictures of me have been removed. I don't know why I had to but I did. Again I apologize for new readers because some posts won't make sense but if you read long enough you'll see I'm in a downward spiral mentally and emotionally so sometimes I have to fix things…. OCD PTSD TREATMENT RESISTANT MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER AND SEVERE GENERALIZED ANXIETY Disorder will do that to you. Guess it's time to read till I fall asleep. Will be up bright and early for homeschool at 7:30.

OCD/Paranoia

Is that how you spell paranoia? Must be it was a choice. I’m trying to go through my blog and delete any picture of my face. I don’t know why but all of a sudden tonight I regretted outing my face. I know it’s an OCD thing I think. Intrusive thoughts that won’t go away. There wasn’t even anything specific I was worried about. So for those catching up. Or here for the first time there may be posts that make very little sense without the pictures to go with them

Today I have been obsessed with numbers and days we live. I read in a book that if you live to be 70 you live 25,550 days. Which got me thinking about the kids- birth to 18th birthday 6,750 day. On big ones 14th birthday he had already lived 5110, his birthday was a couple months ago so that number is higher now, and little one on her 7th birthday will have lived 2555 days and since her birthday has passed there’s more days gone. Days I can’t get back. Days I’ve wasted being upset over messy rooms, uneaten meals. Days I haven’t read to them. Days I’ve been too depressed to do much of a anything else.

I was telling hubby today that big one played video games all weekend and didn’t really spend any time with us and he said he was distracted by video games, and I said and then it’ll be girls and college and his own life and we’ll be people he visits. What if he feels about us the way I feel about my dad? Or what if I am closed off like. My mom? I accosted (hubbys word) a couple at the grocery store tonight. They had a tiny baby, so little. I asked how old, 7 weeks. I begged them not to take any time for granted, those 6,750 days go so fast, and you’ll miss it,all of it, diapers and lack of sleep. They probably thought I was some crazy old lady but if they heard me. If they read one more story, or give one more goodnight hug because of the crazy grocery lady then it was worth it.

I feel like time is on fast forward right now with the kids but slow motion with me. I can’t move I can’t do what I want but their lives keep moving at lightening speed and I’m missing it, except they’re here all day since I homeschool. So I see my kids more than the average parent. But being mom and teacher makes me bad guy all the time. I want to be good guy. I want to be fun mom. I want to I don’t know. All I know is I am in a bad place emotionally. My stomach is upset and I’m scared of the dark in my own house, with my husband in bed next to me snoring.

I’m not sure what’s wrong. I feel paranoid and nervous. Mary Poppins better have something good in her bag for me this week.

And to all of you reading and the pictures being gone making the posts messed up, and my unmasking being undone, I’m sorry- OCD trumps all.

If anyone finds a post where my face isn’t blurred please tell me I think I checked every one (it’s now 2am) but there’s a lot…

What a difference 5 years DOESN’T make…

I was asked and accepted to help in the infant room for our church's MOPs group. We get mostly toddlers but the occasional infant comes in and that's my happy place.  Well a friend captured a pic of me holding the infant this week. 

2017

When I looked at the pic I thought to myself – I remember seeing a picture like that before…. so I went back through my pics and found this

2012

and directly in the middle of that is this

2014

I look at all three pictures and I hate the person in each one. She's not happy, she's not where she should be, she's no one and no where.

Thats how I feel about myself…. like I am a placeholder for the real me that's going to show up someday.  Is that normal? Don't answer that's rhetorical- I know it's not.

My dad and I had a horrific conversation yesterday that included him telling me he's going to wind up hating me if I am not complicit in him not following doctor's orders and  trying to live on his own with 1 leg, half a hand, a replaced hip, brittle diabetes, the need for dialysis 3x a week after proving over and over he is unable to care for himself.

And as for me, we are coming up on the anniversary of my breakdown and I am getting more and more anxious and more. and more upset that nothing has changed.  Im not better.  Part of me wants to stop all my meds and self medicate with vodka and weed.  I won't, I have seen in family members what happens if you do that….but a girl can dream of washing her sorrows down with a shot of zyr vodka, a couple percocets and a bowl of the best weed….

I scratched yesterday.  Im finally finished with all my dr visits and surgeries, it felt so good…..sooooo good.