The Good Doctor

Has anyone seen this show? I just watched the pilot. I cried my eyes out. Yes, parts of the story were sad, but what broke my heart was thinking about my own son.

This show is based about a doctor with Autism, he is brilliant. He is mistreated by his fellow surgeons because of his diagnosis.

My son, is brilliant. His IQ is in the superior range. But unfortunately he has no motivation, and does the bare minimum to skate by- he should be applying himself because he has lofty goals, he wants to be the CEO of Nintendo. He wants to code video games, make new Pokémon games, design games of his own, but if he continues to not apply his brilliance, if he continues to not take his studies seriously, where is he going to end up? McDonald’s? Walmart? Unemployed living in our home?

I want so much more for him. I want everything I don’t have, I want financial security, I want his hopes and dreams to come true, I want the best for both my kids. How do I sit back and watch my oldest, throw his next 4 years away making it so he doesn’t get into a good college while his dreams swirl down the toilet?

Kids sure know how to break your heart.

875+

875 cuts on my arms.  Plus “NO 175” carved on the soft inner skin of my right arm. 175 2 Times on my right arm and 175 3 Times on my left.  One set of 175 to count the number of days little one has school. 1 set wasn’t enough.  2 wasn’t either.  I had to keep going like a compulsion until the outer pain trumped the inner. But it doesn’t really.  My heart hurts tonight.

Little one is so excited.  She can barely contain herself. Im happy for her- she’ll never know how much I hurt tonight.

I hope my husband doesn’t hate me…. he hates it when I hurt myself.

T-minus not even 12 hours…

As I was packing little one’s lunch for school tomorrow, my tears mixed with her deli ham and soft shell tortilla. I never wanted to send her to school, I still really don’t want to send her to school.

I have so many worries- will she make friends? Or will she struggle like I did?

Will she have someone to sit with at lunch?

Will she be able to do the work?

Will she miss me?

How will I get through my day without my light?

Will she like it? (secretly I don’t want her to so that I can keep her home with me).

Germs, germs, germs.

I’m sending the nice one, who loves me to school and keeping the one who hates and abuses me home.

What if, what if, what if…..

 

 

Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Answered Prayers

Today somehow the Holy Spirit prompted me that I wasn’t listening to Him.  All of a sudden I knew my kids belonged to me, and with me.  We will find a way to make it work despite all our issues.   So for now the kids will still homeschool- I feel at peace, I’m pretty sure hubby feels at peace.  Though schooling will be different, both online, less pressure for us.  We will be doing what we feel Gods call is for us. This doesn’t mean we won’t reevaluate over and over and keep praying so we follow His path for us.   It for now – He wants us together.

That pit in my stomach is gone.  Thank you God! 

Identity…..

I keep coming back to my identity.  For 5 years I have been a homeschooling mom of 2.  If my kids go back to school who am I? Who will I be? What will I do? I have always based my identity on my kids, what I do for them. With them both at school I am not a homeschooling mom, I am not a stay at home mom, I’m a mentally ill, chronically napping, grumpy, woman. I know it all sounds so dramatic, but honestly it’s all I can think about- not just my identity – but sending my children to school and all the “what-ifs”. What if they hate it, what if I hate it, what if they are bullied, what if they are happier there than with me? What if they flourish without me? What if they don’t need me?……..

He isn’t all bad OR how positive words can come back to haunt me later…

I have said A LOT of negative things about my father, but, he always always approved of our homeschooling.  He was the only one in our family that did. Over the phone he would often tell me how good I was doing with the kids, and how I was giving them so much more than any school public or private could.

And part of me feels like I am disappointing him- but yet again, by throwing in the towel on homeschooling (at least for now)

But maybe I can look at it that I AM giving them more, because right now I CAN’T offer them more.

I don’t know, maybe I am doing this for me.  Maybe this is selfish and I am doing it to make my life easier.  To give me a break, and some time away.

But maybe that time away will be better for them.  I don’t know.  I am just going around and around in circles wth my thinking.  And I can’t stop thinking about it. Nothing takes my mind off of it. I am just at a loss.

Homeschooling mom has been my title for 5 years. What am I when both kids are in school? And because of my depression I just sit around all day?

I am just so confused and sad.