I met with my counselor today (she really needs a name)… and it was interestsing how my post from yesterday fit in. We finally finished up the intake questions today. Now we can really “start”.
But she always gives me time at the start of our visit to just “let it all out”. The things I just have to say. And today one of the most pressing things was asking her why I ask people impossible questions. And I think the question might have caught her off guard, but she said there’s a lot more to get into but one of her hypotheses is something called the Pain Body. It’s something that a person named Eckhart Tolle came up with.
Here’s an excerpt from a website explaining it:
The usual pattern of thought creating emotion is reversed in the case of the pain-body, at least initially. Emotion from the pain-body quickly gains control of your thinking, and once your mind has been taken over by the pain-body, your thinking becomes negative. The voice in your head will be telling sad, anxious, or angry stories about yourself or your life, about other people, about past, future, or imaginary events. The voice will be blaming, accusing, complaining, imagining. And you are totally identified with whatever the voice says, believe all its distorted thoughts. At that point, the addiction to unhappiness has set in.
It is not so much that you cannot stop your train of negative thoughts, but that you don’t want to. This is because the pain-body at that time is living through you, pretending to be you. And to the pain-body, pain is pleasure. It eagerly devours every negative thought. In fact, the usual voice in your head has now become the voice of the pain-body. It has taken over the internal dialogue. A vicious circle becomes established between the pain-body and your thinking. Every thought feeds the pain-body and in turn the pain-body generates more thoughts. At some point, after a few hours or even a few days, it has replenished itself and returns to its dormant stage, leaving behind a depleted organism and a body that is much more susceptible to illness. If that sounds to you like a psychic parasite, you are right. That’s exactly what it is.
Now, I don’t know enough about this man to know if what he says is right. I haven’t done nearly enough research to see where this aligns with my Christian beliefs. BUT it makes sense to me.
I was telling hubby today, it’s like I don’t want to get better, like I don’t want to be happy. I find ways to punish myself, ways to prove to myself I am unloveable (the impossible questions would fall in here). I explained it like this- I asked my mother a question that had 3 obvious answers:
- No I am not – to which I would think she is lying and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.
- Yes I am – which would prove I am “bad” an “embarrassment”
- The answer she gave- which proves to me (even if she doesn’t mean it that way) that I am “bad”.
You see, there is no right answer. In all those answers I am the bad one. I don’t want to be like my dad, and yet- and I struggle to make my fingers type this- I have been unpredictable mood wise, angry over little things, resentful.
My fingers shook as I typed that. It’s an extremely hard truth to face.
I am living in a constant state of self-inflicted pain, in response to the pain I have already suffered? the pain I am afraid I will suffer? I don’t know. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I don’t know why someone as intelligent and as insightful as me can let this go on. Why in over a year I haven’t gotten any better, and when I do start to crawl out of the pit I am in do I fling myself to the bottom again as if I saw something shiny down there that I had to get.
And that right there, that’s what makes me angry all over again- angry at myself. But guess what- I won’t do anything to change any of it. Like I said it’s like I don’t want to get better. My husband tells me this isn’t an option. And I want to scream, “don’t you think if I knew how to do it differently I would?”. But I am tired. I am tired of fighting, of feeling sad, of being angry, of being so irritable to those who I love most. It kills me that I am hurting those that are closest to me.
There are days, a lot of days, I think about just leaving. The thought kills me. I love my husband and children more than anything in the world, but I can’t stand to make them live in this upheaval. Hubby would say that should be incentive enough to change. But I honestly have been trying and I just can’t get off this merry-go-round…..
I don’t know just more thoughts floating through my head.
*** I found this article http://www1.cbn.com/biblestudy/could-oprah-be-wrong%3F that talks about why Eckhart Tolle is not Christian, and in fact teaching anti-Christian things. And I definitely agree with what they say- I haven’t read Tolle’s book and never planned to. So what I would say is take the passage above at face value. Look at it through the lens of Jesus. Those who allow the “pain-body” to hurt continually hurt us, are letting the Enemy attack us, and we are believing his lies. And it isn’t until we stand up to him with the Truth that we are able to kick him out of our heads- permanently or not just until next time he finds us weak….. ****
Anyway that’s my take away. And I can get on board with that, the pain-body is Satan’s influence in my brain. He makes me forget “it is finished”. That I am redeemed, loved, chosen and all the other wonderful names Jesus has for me…… now how to get his voice out of my life forever.