So How DO I live???

I have spent a good amount of time thinking about my last post. About how I don’t really “LIVE”.  And the goal of my DBT group is to “have a life worth living”.

So HOW do I live? How do I go out and find happiness, how do I find joy?  I think I have something like a sleep mask over my eyes.  Not only can I not see what’s right in front of my face, I can’t see far enough to find things I enjoy.

I was going to make this post a lot longer, talking about all the things I “used” to enjoy.  All the things that helped me live.  But the more I thought about the things I lost, the tighter I felt blinded from seeing joy.

This, I need to figure out.

Maybe she’s right? Mother knows best?

I can’t let go of the text my mom sent about 6 months ago saying she wasn’t disappointed in ME, but that I don’t have the support I need to SHINE. I keep mulling the word over, trying to figure out what exactly I would need to do to shine, and I just was coming up empty until tonight,

Hubby and I were watching a movie and two people were cliff diving. I made an offhand comment that I would love to do that, that it looks like fun, but in the next breath said I would be too scared. I said “I am too scared to go out in our yard at night” and hubby said “you’re too scared to go out in the daylight”.

The sad thing is, he’s right. And maybe that’s what my mom means. I’m don’t live my life, I’m too scared of everything. I merely get by from day to day, trying not to mess things up too badly. And in all the “getting by”, I never live.

I’m too afraid to fail. I’m too afraid I’ll do something wrong. I’m too afraid germs will make me sick. I’m too afraid of screwing up my kids. Fear runs my life. I can’t plan everything when I leave my bubble so something unpredictable might happen, and that thing might be bad, and bad is… bad.

My brain instantly goes to worst-case scenario, and then all the ways to prevent that. It’s exhausting. So it’s easier to just not live than to risk it all…. and therefore I will never shine.

Well at least I think I have figured that problem out. Can’t have unclosed loops.

Broken…. A Poem

Please, don’t judge, there is really no structure to this poem, but it’s not a story, or a “post”.  But tonight was a really bad night, and I let my pen just scrawl along. 

Broken.

I feel the familiar “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh” of the blood in my ears.

My heart is racing, pulse is 120.

There’s a buzzing in my body.

I’m sweating, everywhere, even my legs.

My brain is going to dark, dark, places.

I want to see the red blood coming out of my arms.

I want to see the raised skin of the scratch.

I want to feel the sting and burn of the cuts.

I want my brain to stop.

FAT, UGLY, HIDEOUS, GROSS.

Bad mom, yeller, ineffective.

Bad wife, “makes” hubby do all the cooking and clean

up from meals, undermines his discipline.

LOSER, CAN’T FINISH ANYTHING, STUPID

Will never change.

Always a victim.

Don’t SHINE, am a disappointment.

Not good enough, NEVER enough.

Undermines my own dreams.

I sit, tears brimming, threatening to spill over.

I sit at my desk all the things I used to use to cut at my disposal.

But I can’t cut, no matter how much I want to, I’m on blood thinners. I don’t want to ruin my kids’ life any more than I already have.

So I push it down, down, down.  The whooshing, shaking, and sweating gets worse. My head pounds too.

How long can I do this? How long will I have to do this?

No one is going to save me, or the little girl inside.  Together we will drown and choke on our labels; the labels of rejection and the labels we give ourselves.  Never truly happy; never truly whole—

Broken.

Raising Teenagers Is NOT for the Faint of Heart

Big one is 15.  He is argumentative, oppositional, irritable and I am sure there are at least 15 more adjectives.  And yes, all of that is “normal” teenage behavior- but add the Autism Spectrum, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and possible narcissistic personality.  It’s teenager amplified.

Ive been trying to help him get ready for camp.  He was leaving today.  He wanted to bring half his stuff in random Walmart bags.  He has ZERO executive functioning skills, and he refused to let me even make suggestions without getting angry and screaming at me (at the top of his lungs- I feel like he’s 8 again. (our worst year to date)).

We definitely are not getting along lately…. yet I am the one in his corner.  I am the one making the cog wheels move so that he gets the help he needs, with the “least restrictive environment”.

But there are days I look at him, and I wonder what happened to my baby?  I think back to the day I found out I was pregnant with him, after failed clomid, attempts, failed IUI attempts, and 2 in-vitro cycles, how happy I was.  And when he was born, the struggles with his seizures, the struggle with developmental delays, giving him EVERYTHING I had.  Driving him 80 miles 2x a week for OT, finding him every therapy we could get. I think about the year he was 8.  The year he was violent, angry, physically abusive to me.  And I feel like I earned a little bit easier teenage years.  After all, we have his meds right, we have had therapy in place long enough.  I just want peace.  I want to remember these last few years as a teenager fondly, not with sadness, and regret.

My kids mean everything to me. They are my legacy, they are my best accomplishments, they are the best of me.  They SHINE in every way I don’t.  I gave them all my shine.

Maybe this is how all moms feel during the teenage years.  But this is my first time being there, it hurts, and honestly PLEASE don’t tell me it’s all normal, I KNOW that in my head, but it’s my heart that hurts, and that will only get better with time.

A Million Dreams…

Somedays are better than others. The past week or so has been rough.  I’m sad again.  It’s a life of ups and downs. But I don’t really want to get into that today because there is something else on my mind…

Today, my little one was walking around singing the song “A Millions Dreams” from The Greatest Showman movie.  She’s never seen the movie so I had to ask her where she heard it, and she told me our friend’s car.  This friend drove her to and from Vacation Bible School last week.  I smiled.

I love that song. But I love even more that she loves that song. To me, that song epitomizes her. She is a dreamer, a free spirit, just an all around pretty awesome person.

I look forward to seeing her grow, I hope she never stops dreaming.  I want to see her dreams realized in big ways.

There is something about her, when I look at her, I see it.  I see her whole life laid out in front of me.  I just hope she has the courage I never did. But no matter what her dreams are, what they become or who she becomes she will always shine brighter than the sun. Always.

For those who haven’t heard the song: https://youtu.be/-rxgAh1bnHU

 

HOT HOT HOT

It is SO HOT here this week.  Normally heat doesn’t bother me, I don’t know if my meds are affecting things, or what but this is crazy.  Absolutely nuts. I am so hot, hubby is hot, big one is hot.  Which makes for an interesting dynamic because we are all grumpy.

We don’t have air conditioning, it’s a waste of money since in our area we have less than a week with unbearable temperatures. So we just have to ride it out, and pray no one kills the other 😉

I wish my hair was longer though.  It’s just too short to put in a ponytail, and just too long to not be on my neck making me even hotter. I bought some head wrap things to use but when I take it off I look like a crazy person- on second thought maybe that fits me just right ;).

I just finished book 2 in a series that Richard Paul Evans has written- the first book is The Broken Road, the second is The Forgotten road, and when I got to the end it left me on a cliffhanger and book three The Road Home won’t be out until Spring 2019!!!! I was grrrrrr but it’s something to look forward to.

I am now reading a book “Surprise Me” which is good so far- though a little slow to start and listening to America’s First Daughter, about Them Jefferson’s daughter.  I just started last night but I found it very difficult to fall asleep because it was so good!

I’ve read 35 books since January 1st, so if you are looking for recommendations hit me up.  And if you have any recommendations please leave them in the comments.  I don’t like anything scary or bodice ripping romance.

Until next time….

I’m Baaaaaack

It’s been a while I know.  I probably don’t even have any followers anymore.  So…

Where have I been?

The past couple months I have been really focused on therapy.  I have been seeing Princess Glitter Sparkle 1 hour a week for individual therapy, and 2 hours a week for group DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).  It has been good for me.  First, she is THE BOMB of therapists.  Best one I have ever had.  She is REAL, she is funny, she gets my humor, we laugh together, she’s gotten me to open up about stuff that’s hard.  She’s quirky and washes her hands a lot, so she’s a real person.  So all in all she’s awesome.  And I am so blessed to have found her.

I have also been reading a lot. I have been both reading and listening to audiobooks like crazy.  My goal for the year was 52 books, I have read 33 so far and am currently reading 4 more. Reading helps me escape.  But not just into my own head, but into a story, that for the most part makes me feel good (I try not to read sad things but there was one recently that had me in tears- but good tears).

Did I talk about Fat Camp (medical weight management)?  In case I didn’t- the dr was awesome.  She was nice, and listened to everything I had to say.  She was empathic and just nice- even if she was 15 pounds soaking wet, abut 9 feet tall, and looked like she was from Sweden. I met with the dietician, and while she was great, I just don’t know if I can do what they are asking of me – 1000-1200 calories a day, no carbs, put my body in ketosis and stay there, until goal “weight” which they wouldn’t tell me the ideal because they don’t want me focusing on a number (so why do they want me to weigh in every time???)- but here’s the problem, the hospital has decided after 8 years to cut the program.  So after August 24 I have no support. So….yeah… Have considered a couple other “do-it yourself” programs.  Anyone have long-term success with any? Comment here and let me know. The BEST thing about the program is they have this neat machine that you hook up to and breathe into for 10 minutes and it gives you your basil metobolic rate (basically how many calories you burn at rest) 1796 BTW.

I haven’t been leaving the house much.  Even prior to my surgery (will get to that in a minute).  I admit, I am not leaving the house much.  Only to things I ABSOLUTELY have to do- therapy, appointments for the kiddos etc.

I had surgery a couple weeks ago, the same surgery I had last summer on my left hip but this time on my right hip.  This time recovery hasn’t gone as smoothly.

  1.  During recovery I stopped breathing several times – this has never happened before, so they think I have apnea and I am waiting on a sleep study.  Fun.  It really solidified in my mind how big I am getting and the fact that I really need to do something about it.
  2. I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis – a blood clot) in my surgical leg just under a week after surgery.  Thankfully hubby and I were paying attention to the signs, got to the dr and got treatment.  I will be on blood thinners for 6 months and I should be fine (though at increased risk for DVT again).  I was lucky the clot was below my knee (felt like a Charlie horse in my calf) because its much rarer for those to break up and go to the brain/lungs/heart.  So thank God for that.

In Other news:

  1. I am still napping a lot- but is it escapism or because Im not sleeping well because of  apnea (I wake up so tired, but I also can’t fall asleep at night) I think I have messed with my internal clock.

2.  In general, I am feeling a bit better about life.  I am not so down, and depressed. I don’t know when it happened, just one day I was like- “huh, doesn’t suck so bad today”.  That’s not to say I am 100% awesome everyday, most days I don’t think that everything sucks.

3.  Anxiety, OCD, and irritability are all in full swing.  But I can’t expect that they will go away anytime soon, and I guess that’s ok.

Mental Health Summary: Not everything sucks.  Still trying to isolate myself.  But things aren’t quite as bad as they were.

Everything else: Day by day.

So there you have it. Until next time (which I hope won’t be as long).