I have been thinking a lot about fathers. Both father figures in my life have done nothing but disappoint me, and misuse me, in one way or another. It makes me feel very insecure about relationships, especially with men, even my poor husband- and we have been together for 22 years. I have issues with men in general, doctors, men in authority positions, I am very uncomfortable around them.
But it also affects my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It’s hard to imagine that there is a Father that loves me, no matter what I do, say, look like; no matter what mistakes I make. I work hard to follow that little voice inside of the Holy Spirit so that I can always be in His will.
But I have been thinking about the text from last weekend, and maybe God is 1. Reminding me that no earthly father will ever compare to Him, and that I need to put more trust into Him, and to spend more time with Him. So I have restarted my Quiet Time first thing in the morning.
I have also been thinking that maybe God is pointing me back to unresolved issues with my biological father. That while my step father is a father figure, I need to learn to forgive better, and learn how to have a relationship with my biological father, even though we have had the tumultuous relationship we have had, despite the fact that he continues to misuse me- maybe it’s through that relationship that I will find my voice.
I don’t know. These are all thoughts that are just jumbled in my brain right now, and I am going to work through this texting debacle with PollyAnna on Thursday. I did talk to Mary Poppins about it yesterday and she assured me, that first there is not one grain of truth in the text. That it was way over the top, crossed so many lines and was lies though she doesn’t believe they were malicious intent simply ignorant and coming from the mind of someone who spends 24/7 on marijuana. She is not a Dr against pot, but she also doesn’t feel it’s a 1 size fits all the way this person does.
Anyway, I obviously still have a lot to process, and to work through. And I still need to decide if I am going to 1. reply to him and 2. tell my mom.