What’s New?

Let’s recap the last week…

Last week was… I don’t even think there is a word to describe the last week.

I feel like I spent the entire week going from one appointment to the next. Little one started counseling, which gives me anxiety. I hate not being in control of what’s going on with my kiddos. I know that sounds ridiculous. I have to admit that I am a control freak. I know it comes from my past. I had to always be prepared for any situation that might arise. If I wasn’t prepared, if I wasn’t three steps ahead of dad there was “hell to pay”.

Tuesday we had an IEP meeting for big one. I spent the entire meeting pinching the skin of my left hand, because I was anxious about the meeting, anxious I would say the wrong thing, or… I don’t know. It was the only coping skill I had at that moment. It had already been a day filled with anxiety, what’s a little more… apparently a lot. The meeting itself went well, though, I will believe the plan when they actually do it, when they do what they promised to make his life at school what he is entitled to as a special education student.

Earlier in the day I fired my new counselor. Did I mention Polly Anna left and left me in the “capable hands” of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. I hadn’t come up with a name for her until just now. I don’t know why that is the first thing I thought of, but she and I just didn’t click. It was SO HARD for me to do. I was worried, and still am, that she was upset with me, or thought bad of me. I still get knots in my stomach thinking about it.

And then I had med management. My resting pulse was 129, too high. So she increased my antidepressant and if that doesn’t stop this constant anxiety she will add another med. I have noticed two distinct times that my anxiety goes through the roof.

1. When I have to leave the house.

2. Around 4 or 5pm.

I can guess why leaving the house would cause me anxiety. Having to be around other people, germs, etc. Today when I was at church, and then at the movies with a friend, I think I used an entire bottle of santizer. But as for the 4pm/5pm timeframe, the only thing I can think of is the dinner/bedtime rush. But I get shaky, my pulse races, and I feel like I want to throw up. Heck right now I am feeling sick.

I feel like so much of our lives is at a stand still because of other people, we are waiting on other people, our lives are in their hands so to speak. We are STILL dealing with the foreclosure of our old house. It’s been over 3 years now. My husband is still waiting to hear about his disability case. We are so tight with money. We haven’t yet gotten to the point of robbing Peter to pay Paul but we are headed that way. We have racked up some credit card debt wait let me rephrase that. I have racked up credit card debt.. I have 3 coping skills- shopping, overeating, and self harm. All of them are bad, but which one is worse? The cuts fade, but debt and fat haunt you for years. I am currently the biggest I have ever been- even when I was pregnant.

This week I meet up with my new therapist, I might ask hubby to come with me, I am really quite nervous. I have to start all over, she won’t know anything about me. And the final thing? I have been diagnosed with an “unspecified personality disorder”. I am just full of diagnoses now- Major depressive disorder, recurrent episode, severe. Generalized anxiety disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Fun fun fun.

Did I mention that I have a case manager now? I am not sure what she is supposed to do for me, I mean both my kids have them, but I have no idea what she will do for me. I asked her to look into a weighted blanket for me, and where I could get one that isn’t too expensive, but I don’t know is she will/can. I haven’t heard back from her.

Well I need to go to bed, another week starts tomorrow. Bleh.

One of those days….

Today is one of those days.  You know the one, where you feel like nothing you do is right, where you feel humongous, and just all around unhappy?

Tonight as I sit here in my recliner, I feel so fat.  I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. That’s doing wonders for my self esteem.  I hate myself. I am sick of being in my own skin.  And yet, I don’t have the energy, or motivation to make even small changes.  And because of injuries, I am not cleared to exercise.  So yeah.  I am a beached whale.

I do my best to avoid having to leave the house, between the germs of flu season, the possibility that I might see someone I know and have to do that song and dance of “hi, how are you?” “Fine, you?”  When you really want to say, Im not fine, in fact life is pretty sucky right now.

I was lucky that last week I had an escape from reality with my brother, because without that I really don’t know how I would feel.

Tomorrow, I have to fire my therapist, I found one closer to home, and I never really liked the one I have- but I still have major anxiety. Im worried she will be upset with me. Thats my biggest fear with everyone pretty much. Comes from an abusive parent.

Then I have med management, get to tell her that my meds are doing diddly.  I really don’t feel like I am getting better, ever since getting back from vaca I have been sad, mad, irritable, angry, or exhausted.  I am sleeping like crap, unless I sleep during the day.  I feel like I am back to the way I was a few months ago.

And finally I have to go to an IEP meeting for my son. He has been homeschooled the past 5 years, but before that he went to school in a different district, and we fought and fought for what he needed, and I am still freaking out about it even though it’s a different district, it’s giving me major PTSD trigger.  The last time he was in public school it was a horror story.  IEP violations, mediation, a formal complaint against the district (they were found guilty of 7 counts), attending an IEP meeting the day that I got out of the hospital from having my appendix and gall bladder out and the special education director screaming at me because we were disagreeing.  After that, I took him out of school and homeschooled him for five years. This year AB (what I call after breakdown) I had to send them to school, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was too irritable, too exhausted, too depressed.  I hate that I made that decision.  I hate that I couldn’t do what I wanted. Even though it’s been wonderful for my little one, she is thriving and has made so much progress.  But big one, he’s suffering.  And I already have ill will towards the current school.  Big one’s case manager at school has done nothing to help him with this transition. He has dropped the ball in so many ways. My son’s therapist is so angry about the whole situation.  He works at the school two days a week so he sees what’s going on there. I already feel like I am on the defensive.  If I am honest, I don’t think we will “win”.  They already lied to me at our first meeting when I said his diagnosis automatically qualifies him for an IEP, and they said that wasn’t true.  I went through this with the last school, and finally brought a copy of the statute in with me and they admitted it was true. I don’t know what will happen if they don’t do anything.  I don’t have the same fight in me I had 5 years ago.  And what REALLY sucks, is even IF we get everything we are asking for, which is very reasonable, they have 45 SCHOOL days to implement it. That’s the end of March/beginning of April. Well woohoo they won’t HAVE to do anything until the IEP is written, meaning the year will be almost over. Whole lot of good that will do. I am sick of bureaucracy, and paper trails and documenting every single thing.  

My dad is back in the hospital AGAIN, he is very cagy as to why he is there, probably to make me worry more. He calls me multiple times a day, sometimes sweet as pie, and sometimes raving and ranting about his medical care etc.  Like tonight he kept me on the phone for an hour while he ranted on and on about how the people at dialysis avoid him like the plague, they get upset when he has to use the toilet while he’s being treated.  But if you knew my dad, you would understand why they do that.  One minute he is the most charming man you would ever meet and then he turns on you unexpectedly.  He’s a narcissist, textbook case. I never know which dad I will get when I answer the phone.

And the icing on the cake?  One of my closest friends seems to have dropped me. I don’t know if it’s because I am not homeschooling, or if it’s because she’s tired of me being depressed/anxious etc. When I message with her she is short, when I saw her today she barely said two words to me.  She hasn’t said anything, it’s just a vibe I am getting.  Hubby says it’s all in my head, that I only see the worst in everything, and while that’s true, I also know my friend.  And I know I need to stop thinking about it, and obsessing about it, because there’s nothing I can do about it. And I do have a really good friend who loves me, no matter what, she is supermom.  She is raising eight kids, homeschooling them, taking them to all their activities.  She always seems so calm and chill. I want to be her when I grow up.

I know this was a downer of a post, but I can’t help it.  I am literally sick to my stomach over all of this, and mostly tomorrow.  I am having a hard time seeing past tomorrow, I am not sure how I will make it through the day. 

If you read all this – thank you, and you’re amazing.

Until next time.

Wordless…

I have no words these days.  So many things running through my head, racing thoughts, feelings of insecurity, wavering between anxiety and depression.  Perseverating on certain thoughts, unable to let go of things that hubby says are “all in my head”.

I want to write, but I just can’t find the words, there are too many thoughts- jumbled together like the roots of a plant in the earth.

So until I can come up with something to say I have this.

I found this on Facebook a couple days ago, and it struck a cord, it’s how I’ve been feeling. Left out.

Ugh

I’m going on vacation with my brother and his son and my kids, Tues thru Friday. We are going to an indoor water park. I have been avoiding the thought about wearing a bathing suit until tonight. I bought one at the beginning of summer, and didn’t wear a single time.

Now I live in a cold climate, so shaving my legs is not always a priority… But that’s something I’m going to have to tackle before Tuesday.

I also figured I better try on my bathing suit since I’ve gained a bunch of weight since buying said bathing suit, I’m happy to report that it still fits- However I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I looked in the mirror. Here is an artists rendering of how I looked…

Except I am wearing a one piece bathing suit.

I have never been this big in my life, some of it is medication related, some of it is being laid up and not allowed to do exercises due to various injuries. But if I’m honest I eat like crap, and I could be doing better but I just don’t try. Food and shopping or my drugs of choice when I can’t cut. Food and shopping make me feel better for a little while and then realization hits, And I’m worse off than I started and I hate myself more than when I started. But I can’t stop, it’s like I don’t have control. I don’t know why I’m even saying all this I guess I just needed to get it out of my head to stop the narrative but I don’t think it’ll stop.

Feeling Nostalgic

Today on the way home from church hubby was talking about a complement he received from someone who used to be a customer at his business. It made me sad, thinking about all the things that have been taken away from him because of his illness. Running 5Ks, Martial Arts, our Home, our car, his successful business, his ability to keep up with everything around the house- the maintenance of the house and the cars. He does his best to convince me he isn’t affected but I feel it for him.

But the one thing we can count on in sickness and health, poorer and poorer ( 😉 ), is each other. As I edge closer to my 40th birthday in a couple months I am thinking more and more about my life past, present and future.

Tonight I am grateful for my husband. Whether he is healthy or sick, if we are broke or have a little extra cash, nothing changes – our love. Well- that’s not true the longer we are together the more I love him. I’ve been having the Amazon Echo play songs from when we were first together.

We were two kids, fighting against the world together- the doubters and scoffers, convinced that two teenagers would end up together. But we are coming up on 22 years together. That means I have been with him more than half my life. He has always supported me, in anything I do. Tonight at dinner I looked up at a frame we have on a table by the door and I saw this

For those of you unable to read his hen scratch ( 😉) it says I love you because- and he added you give all that you have to us. I wanted to cry. I looked at him and said – lately I haven’t had much to give, and he said “but you give what you have, that’s what makes it so special”.

He may not make grand gestures in front of the world showing how much he loves me- but I don’t need that- What matters is what he does here at home.

This past year has been hell. Or at least what I imagine hell would be like, but through it all we have held on to each other and to God and we are still here. We aren’t to the summit of this mountain we are facing, but it’s nice to know I have a partner who won’t let me fall.

And yet through the hell off this past year I had my biggest prayer answered. He came to Christ. He was born again and baptized. Despite attack after attack from the enemy, he has stood strong in that faith.

If all this was what we had to face for him to find his relationship with Jesus, then it’s all worth it.

Inspiration….

I have sat down so many times to make a post, but the words just won’t come.  I sit here, cursor blinking, unable to put my thoughts to “paper” so to speak.  The past week has been…. I don’t even have a word for it.  On Wednesday, Big One came home from school in the worst mood ever. He was with his worker at the local gym, kicking his backpack around the parking lot, yelling, screaming… he said he had a crap day.  I was away with little one,  taking her to her therapies, and got a call from big one’s worker, asking me what she should do, I tried talking him down, and finally we convinced him to go into the gym, his worker talked to him while they were in the gym.  It turns out that he had been bullied pretty badly at school that day.

Immediately, two things happened.  First I went into Mama Bear mode, and started emailing his case manager at school, and his counselor, with two emails each because after I sent the first I had more to say. The second thing that happened was that I internalized it.  All my memories of being bullied throughout my life came rushing into my thoughts,  it was like me reliving it all over again.  Which has made it very hard for me to have perspective.  I decided I wasn’t sending him back to school until his IEP meeting in a couple weeks.  It was’t a big deal since we are going away for most of the upcoming week.  And then the following Monday they are off school.  But on Friday the assistant principal reached out asking what he could do to help, what did I want etc.  The emails I had sent the case manager were forwarded to him.  He seemed genuine, so we decided instead of waiting until the IEP meeting my hubby will meet with him this week, and he will meet with big one’s counselor too.  We want to be prepared when we go in for the meeting.  I will not allow him to be bullied the way I was, it was what started my self-harming behaviors.  Big one is increasingly angry and feels like people are out to get him.

Maybe it’s a good thing that hubby will be handling thing while the kids and I are away.  He will be calm and level-headed, where I am more emotional about it all. All I know is that I won’t let it continue.  If the school doesn’t handle it in a way that things will actually change he won’t go to that school.  His counselor basically says he has to learn what life it like sometime, but if you think about adult life, it isn’t constant bullying.  The other problem is that he has autism, he doesn’t understand social cues, and often can’t tell if people are joking or serious.  His perception might be off, but no matter, like I said to the assistant principal, perception is reality.

I go between being so anxious I think I might die, angry and sad.  Tonight we were watching TV and Jingle Bell Rock came in on the show and I started crying.  Why? Who knows.  Maybe because I haven’t had the same love of Christmas the last to years that I have in the past, maybe because…. I really don’t know.  I am just emotionally unstable.

Hopefully having a few days away this week will make me feel a little better, I plan on doing some reading, playing cards with my brother, and trying not to think about all of this, because it makes me feel physically sick.  The thought of having to fight the school for what my son needs makes me lose it too.  The last time I fought them it took everything I had, I just don’t have it in me this time.  I am not strong enough.  The one consolation is that I am going in there with 3 support people that are professionals that can attest to what he needs, and his counselor will be there and he has told his counselor of his struggles. If I didn’t have them I would just take him out of school and homeschool him again.  I really hope it doesn’t come to that, I really don’t, because I don’t have that in me either. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no escape. I told my counselor the other day that I wanted to be put in sensory deprivation room with the ability to turn my brain off, because it just goes round and round with all the “what-ifs”.

Until next time….

Why I shouldn’t bullet journal….

I had these grand plans to do a bullet journal this year.  I went online to Pinterest (I mean where else would I go to see ideas with unattainable standards?) and found hundreds of ideas and was very excited.  As the New Year approached, my resolve wavered.  It looked like a lot of work, more work than I as able to commit to; and I knew I was setting myself up for failure.  So decided to use a regular calendar book.  I already had a bullet journal, so I wasn’t sure what to do with it.  I decided I would use it to track things like books read, our debt (and hopefully watch it go down), track my moods, how many hours I sleep each night, and which days I do quiet time.  So this morning I sat down to start this endeavor… I started out with a bang having to rip out 2 pages because they weren’t  perfect. The finished result isn’t “perfect” but it’s not as bad as the 2 I ripped out, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of having to redo 2 pages because of a tiny error….

Here’s my “mistake pages”

And the finished product

I didn’t include our debt pages, that’s just too depressing.. and personal 😉

We’ll see if this works.