First ECT

I had my first ECT treatment today. I got to the hospital and the first thing the nurse did (well after I changed into their stylish gowns ha ha) was start my IV. After that the doctor came in and dida little bit of a physical just to make sure everything was good and they checked out the EKG I had last month.

After all that was done they brought me back to the OR. My question is this why is it that the OR is so much colder than the rest of the hospital. The ride to the OR it’s like it’s getting colder and colder and colder.

Once I was in the OR they put and oxygen mask over my face while they were talking and said that they were going to be injecting my IV and I say yes with something that burns as I felt the burn, at this point I could feel my soul start to fade and as I was drifting off I felt them put the ciff on my leg. The cuff was intended to be tightened so the medicine that they give you that’s the muscle relaxer won’t get down there and so only your big toe wiggles and that’s how they tell that you’re having the seizure.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a really bad headache and feeling nauseous and panicked because I didn’t know how my daughter got to school I thought we had left her at home alone keeping in mind she’s only seven this is a very disconcerting thought. I made the nurse, husband on his cell phone and find out, and he reminded me we had dropped her off at a friends house.

The next little while I was been to recovery trying to get rid of the headache and the nausea with Tylenol and Zofran after they felt that I was stable enough and awake enough they brought me back to my original room where I recovered for a little bit longer and they let me have ginger ale and graham crackers and after that I was free to go.

After we left the hospital I felt ok. I wasn’t happy and kitty but I also didn’t feel horrible. I don’t know it’s hard to explain maybe a little better- so I had hoped that this was working. But once I got home and all the meds wear off the overwhelming sense of doom, those butterflies in your stomach and the anxiety that makes me shake inside came back. Along with a headache so I’ve been taking Advil and trying to relax.

But wouldn’t you know this is the day my kids decide that it’s time for World War III. My next treatment is on Monday I will definitely update again after that.

One funny thing was when I was explaining to my daughter that I had surgery and she said where and I said on my brain she was like on your brain? and I said yes they put electricity into my brain and she said oh you mean like Frankenstein. I had to kind a laugh at that.

The Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

That’s how I feel.  I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking?   Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated.  She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks.  I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving.  I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to.  I am so lonely.  I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about.  But I feel so beat down right now.

I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks.  For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine.  That they could be so happy.  I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY.  That’s not true.  It was October 2014.  It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.

I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time.  But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me.  I am not me.  I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself.  That I can’t give her this.

Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick.  Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience.  I tried to leave the house and run away.  I That was just what my mom would have done.  But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom.  I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry.  I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much.  Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.

There’s really nothing else left to say.

Distraction

I have been trying, to no avail, to distract myself from my own brain.  I am still on a Facebook fast so I have been posting more on instagram, and pinning a ton of things about mental health, inspirational quotes and my newest obsession bullet journaling. Now don’t mistake pinning for actually doing it. I bought the journal, I have almost a hundred pins about it, but I have yet to touch pen or pencil to the paper. I have a hard time starting things.  like when I go to a paint night, the hardest part for me is first brush stroke.

I am hoping that I will be ale to get the courage to actually start the journal, or at least get a sketch for the new year ready. But I don’t know.   I can’t make decisions, ad my anxiety is so bad sometimes I can’t breath.  I feel like little electrical jolts in my brain when I am having these attacks.

Hubby got a call that his Aunt had died unexpectedly.  And I had no affect, no emotion. I was neither sad nor upset.  Of all his aunts she’s the one I was closest to.  She and I used to exchange letters.  But still nothing.  Why is it that I have no affect?  No emotional reaction to death? This can’t be normal.

I’m lonely, I have no purpose, and I’m grinchy this year. 

Honestly the title says it all. I feel really lonely since the kids of gone back to school even though hubby is home he really I don’t know he just putters away at little things that need to be done.  

Since the kids of gone back to school I have no purpose no cause, for five years my career my everything was put in to educating them and suddenly I find I don’t know who I am without the labels that I had.

Today was Pollyannas last day, I decided to try out the therapist in the room next-door simply out of convenience and out of the fact that I wouldn’t have to step out of my comfort zone to search for one out of the facility. This was the first timeSince I can remember actually saying goodbye to somebody. I avoid it like the plague. When someone dies they just never existed or I just haven’t seen them for a while. But today I actually had to say goodbye and my heart is broken and I don’t even know why I didn’t like her that much I mean liked her well enough but I’m just not sure that we made any progress in in a year. I don’t like this closure thing and I’ve decided I don’t want to do it again. It sucks.

Today is November 7 usually by now has been a week of Christmas music blasting in my house 24/7.  I just can’t get into the mood this year my mom says put it on and I’ll get in the mood but there’s something holding me back I’m not sure what it is maybe it’s that I don’t want to not feel in the mood and listen to it because it’ll ruin it I don’t know I don’t know much Of anything these days. I wish the ECT people had called me back maybe that would’ve helped. Tomorrow I go and see about my two sprained ankle‘s and too bad hips and I’m convinced that they’re going to think I’m a hypochondriac but I’m not and physically in pain but they’re probably just going to tell me there’s nothing they can do I’m so tired of hearing that from doctors. I’m so tired of a lot of things. Like I have this new anxiety symptoms he comes on when I’m really upset or nervous and just feels like I just licked a 9 V battery now don’t tell me you never did that As a kid but it’s very unnerving when you didn’t like the battery in your body does that.

In case you Hadn’t noticed I feel like life is sucking pretty bad and when I had my yearly review at my med doctor and psychologists office today angle assessment she asked me how the past year was and I said it sucked and I gave her all the reasons that it sucked and it reminded me of how much my life sucks right now.

I guess That’s all for today I don’t really have much more to contribut.

Slacking off….

I have really been neglecting my blog lately.  I just feel like I don’t have anything new to say. Life marches on, passes me by while I waste time at dr appointments, napping, or just letting the time pass.

I think I mentioned that PollyAnna is leaving. I need to find a new therapist – which is going to be hard for me, I don’t like change, I don’t like transitions and finding someone else to pour my heart out to, to get vulnerable with is going to be hard.   Today I “interviewed” the one in the office next to PollyAnna, she seemed ok, but she is not a Christian.  Now before you all jump down my throat the reason I asked her this is that I really think that in order to get better I have to draw closer to God, and I think I need a counselor who will ground his/her foundation on the THE foundation, THE cornerstone- Jesus. It was interesting because I told her that I prefer to be called by my nickname and not my given name.  And at the end of our session PollyAnna said in all our sessions, never once did you ever tell me you prefer to be called by your nickname.  I found it curious and interesting because I usually lead with that because I am not a huge fan of my “real” name.

I am working on the national novel writing month, and I met day 1 goal but I hate the story, and the writing so I am going to have to start over.   Which intimidates me and makes me upset.

Also I realized something else about myself, I am a slave to routine, to my calendar and to what is planned.  Yesterday I was supposed to get my hair cut but my stylist was out sick with walking pneumonia and I freaked out, I HAD to get my hair cut yesterday, it was on the schedule I had to do it.  PollyAnna says that’s my OCD, whatever it is, I never realized how bad it was.

Yesterday Big One asked me if I was going to go along with my deal, I said what deal? He said that you can’t listen to Christmas music until November 1.  I hadn’t even remembered that deal, and I had and still have no desire to listen to the music (heck I forgot about trick or treat till my kids reminded me.  It makes me sad that I haven’t started my tradition. I am usually Christmas obsessed, but this depression has taken that from me too.  It’s taking parts of my personality one little bit at a time.

Well have to get my monsters off to bed so I better go but I will write again soon.

Bye Bye Critical Thinking and Executive Functioning it was nice knowing you…

I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit.  I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery.  So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough.  And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically.  So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip.  Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.

I also saw the dr about the ECT.  And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there.  After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist.  Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you.  And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT.  And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT.  So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.

But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees.  I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME.  It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….

And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe.  Awesome.  Getting worse not better.  She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder.  Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are.  How do I deal with that.  Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline.  Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.

Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.