So Many Titles…

I had so many different ideas for what to title this blog. But none of them felt quite right.

First of all, I have been reluctant to post- (disclaimer: this part is about a comment on my blog- but has nothing to do with the poster of said comment, nor does it mean I am upset with the commenter)- because recently after a more positive post a comment was made that it was nice to see something positive posted. Immediately I clammed up.  I felt like “crap, people are sick of my problems”.  But In the end I decided to just take the comment as I know it was written- as a message showing happiness for my fleeting moment of positivity.

I struggle with constructive criticism, I over analyze what people say.  What everyone else thinks means more than what I think.

But I can’t hold this all in any more.  This has been a hard week.  I can’t give you a reason, because I don’t know. I have been sad and depressed all week.  Like major regression in my symptoms.  My OCD has been over the top- to the point that I offended a person in my DBT group because I moved my seat when I heard that she had been sick- and so I explained to the group if I do stuff like that, it’s me, not them.

And I’m just tired. So tired. Tired of this life.  It never gets better. It seems like I stand up and a big bully pushes me down, over and over.  And I am tired of getting up. I have tried so hard in the past month to try to do things to “make me feel better “.  But it doesn’t work.

And I have found that even dreaming about possibilities has it’s consequences.  I keep thinking about Marilla Cuthbert, and the things she used to say to Anne when Anne would let her imagination run wild, have romantic notions etc.  It’s not practical.  It’s not useful.  Never in my life has there been anyone who encourages me to dream.  They just point out the reality.  “I get it mom I will never be on star search” (6 or 7 year old me),  “I get it (insert name here) I am not as pretty as (insert name here)” (14-16 year old me).  “I know I will never amount to much dad”.  “I know I don’t shine mom”.  “I know I can’t manage money because I have a shopping compulsion- maybe it shouldn’t be my responsibility.”  “I know my bucket list will still be undone when I die”.

I get it.  This.  This is it. It’s never going to get better, and I will stop dreaming, hoping and wishing for it to get better. I see now that it does no good, because I will never change, I will always be a compulsive overeater, with a shopping problem, and a mental illness. I have always, and will always be weak.

When I was a kid my best friend and I came up with a phrase:

“Reality is too real for us, we live in the abstract”.

Looking at it with 30 or so years of knowledge I didn’t have then- it really was more like- our reality sucks, so we choose to wish/hope/dream of how it will be better “someday”.

But I think what I have learned over the past 2 years since my breakdown- for some people- someday never comes.  For some people, it’s scraping by, barely keeping your nose above the water line forever. For some people- they’ll always wonder “what’s the point?”

And if all that isn’t enough- the school isn’t following the IEP as written for my oldest.  Here we go.  It’s giving me PTSD flashbacks of our last fight when he was in 3rd grade, and I don’t know if I have it in me.  I don’t know if I can do it again…..

Saw Mary Poppins this week.  She added another med to my list. A mood stabilizer… probably a good idea.  Ive had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 days.  It’s been a couple months since I had a full on attack.  The craps hitting the fan again and I don’t know where to hide to dodge all the crap coming my way…..

Sorry for the downer post.  I just can’t keep it in anymore….

New Site

Maybe you noticed… Maybe you didn’t… .but up at the top of this page I have added a link for “My Artwork”.  Here is where I will be posting new drawings I do.  Maybe some pages I color. The drawings I do are almost exclusively of other pictures I have found online and drawn while looking at them.  So I take NO credit of them being my own in terms of imagination or creation.  But I did free hand all of them.  These drawings have been the first thing in a long time that I have created and been proud of.  So I thought it might add a little more depth to the page… a way for you to get to know me better.

Fat Camp

I talked with my PCP about gastric bypass vs a. medical weight loss clinic vs doing it on my own again.  He wasn’t a proponent of the bypass- he says in 17 years he’s had 2 MAYBE 3 people who were ultimately successful with bypass.  I added “because they didn’t deal with what was making them eat”. And he agreed.  And there we go.  That’s my problem.  I don’t use food as fuel.  Well, I do, but that’s not it’s only “job”.  It gives me feelings of comfort, it is always there, never disappointing me, it doesn’t judge me, it doesn’t (in the moment) hurt me.  I control what I eat, when I can’t control anything else in my life.  Then there’s the fact that I am an addict.

Addiction to food is real.  And what’s harder is that you can get clean from drugs, alcohol, cigarettes (not saying it’s easy because I know better) and then never touch the stuff again.  I will ALWAYS have to eat.  I can’t live if I I don’t.  I can’t just walk away from my addiction.

Food has always been a problem- too much, too little, way too much….and I am bigger than I have ever been.  And part of me wants to change, but part of me doesn’t want to.  If I change who will I be?  What will I replace food with?  Will I never be able to have a cookie again?  Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food?  Hubby says he eats until he’s full, and stops.  I rarely do.  I eat till my plate is empty like I was taught. And if there’s dessert, it would be rude to pass- right?

I do feel hungry a lot though.  My belly growls, howls and makes itself known. So sometimes when I eat it is genuine hunger.

I don’t know I guess after so many failures I don’t see anything working/changing me permanently.

Any readers out there does gastric bypass with success?  What about a physician led weight loss program?



Some things I’ve been reading… while I avoid what I really need to write about

I joined the club…

Today I joined the elite club…. the forty club, the big 4-0 as in cresting the hill (but not quite over it).  In the past decade my body has been preparing for induction into the club with grey, white and silver hair, with wrinkles, and sagging, and most recently bifocals and cataracts.

For months I have been dreading forty; like it was the end of the world as I knew it.  And yeah, I’ll admit it kinda sucks to think that THIS is as far as I have gotten at forty, but at the same time I have accomplished some things worth recognition.  I have two beautiful children, who are smart, funny and amazing- each in their own way.  I have a marriage that after almost 18 years of marriage, and 23 years together is stronger every day.  I have a brother and a sister that I adore. I have a best friend that I admire, who makes me want to be a better version of me.  I have other friends too, friends who care about me, especially when I don’t care about myself.  I have a counselor who I love. And I have finally given her her name- Princess Glitter Sparkle.  (My husband coined it, and I told her about it.). We have sat with it for about a month or so now and she said there’s just no denying it- it suits her.  And in the past decade I also discovered my faith again.  I have a relationship with God.

So yes, while in the past couple of years it seems like the crap has hit the fan, and I have a hard time seeing the good past the crap, I do have some really good things in my life.  On the especially crappy days I need to come back and read this list.

Here’s to hoping 40’s beats the pants off 30’s.