Im often asked what my goal is, what I want…. Here’s what I want
I want to stop feeling. (Period, I could end there, but I won’t)….
I want to stop feeling pity for myself
I want to stop FEELING.
I don’t want to feel happy because in order to feel the sweetness of happy, you have to feel the bitter sting of sad/mad etc.
Sometimes I miss the “old me”. The me that was so anxious she was always busy, she got shit done, and baked a cake too. Sure, she was irritable and demanding, wanted everything perfect on her time table, but she didn’t have time to “feel” anything real.
I want to be numb. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to be down. I want to feel nothing at all. I am tired of worrying about my husband’s health. I am tired of worrying about my kids’ schoolwork, my kids’ future, how much I am screwing them up. Tired of worrying I will be like my mother – emotionally distant. Or like my father bitter, angry, using my children for emotional support, emotionally abusive.
I am tired of being poor.
I am tired of being fat.
I am tired of everything hurting- especially my hip.
I am tired of my hands being so numb I can’t drive or knit, or hold a book for very long.
I want to just go to sleep…. And sleep until it all goes away…..
I just want to have a good cry sometimes, but I am afraid if I start to cry I will never stop. I look in the mirror (when I have to) and I don’t see the masterpiece that God made me, I see a sad, scared little girl. Unloved, unwanted, ugly, fat and pitiful.