What are you looking for?

Im often asked what my goal is, what I want…. Here’s what I want

I want to stop feeling. (Period, I could end there, but I won’t)….

Feeling sad

Feeling mad

Feeling bitter

Feeling resentful

Feeling  sorrow-filled

I want to stop feeling pity for myself

Feeling irritable

Feeling aggravated

Feeling slothlike

I want to stop FEELING.

I don’t want to feel happy because in order to feel the sweetness of happy, you have to feel the bitter sting of sad/mad etc.

Sometimes I miss the “old me”.  The me that was so anxious she was always busy, she got shit done, and baked a cake too.  Sure, she was irritable and demanding, wanted everything perfect on her time table, but she didn’t have time to “feel” anything real.

I want to be numb.  I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to be down.  I want to feel nothing at all.  I am tired of worrying about my husband’s health.  I am tired of worrying about my kids’ schoolwork, my kids’ future, how much I am screwing them up.  Tired of worrying I will be like my mother – emotionally distant.  Or like my father bitter, angry, using my children for emotional support, emotionally abusive.

I am tired of being poor.

I am tired of being fat.

I am tired of everything hurting- especially my hip.

I am tired of my hands being so numb I can’t drive or knit, or hold a book for very long.

I want to just go to sleep…. And sleep until it all goes away…..

I just want to have a good cry sometimes, but I am afraid if I start to cry I will never stop. I look in the mirror (when I have to) and I don’t see the masterpiece that God made me, I see a sad, scared little girl.  Unloved, unwanted, ugly, fat and pitiful.

Written 2/28/1

 

 

 

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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