Webster’s Dictionary defines crisis as:
a : the turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or feverb : a paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered functionc : an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life a midlife crisis
2 : the decisive moment (as in a literary plot) The crisis of the play occurs in Act 3.
3a : an unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending; especially : one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome a financial crisis the nation’s energy crisisb : a situation that has reached a critical phase the environmental crisis the unemployment crisis
I guess maybe I am in a crisis. I had a med appointment yesterday. She increased my anti depressant. Left my anti-anxiety meds alone- for now. But the crux of the appointment is that I am not getting better. Each time I go into her office I cry. I talk about how useless I feel. How inferior I am. I gave her what I wrote here yesterday. She read it without emotion (that I could tell anyway) put it on her desk and looked at me thoughtfully. I don’t remember what happened next in the conversation, the old me would, the me that was not medicated to mask the anxiety. That girl would remember every minute detail of the conversation, every nuance, every raised eyebrow or change in voice inflection. But this me doesn’t. This me is still hypervigilent but the thoughts are different, the way my brain holds information is different.
Not long after that she mentioned that she wanted to open up a dialogue about a crisis stabilization unit. She says we aren’t there yet, but she wanted to start the talk. Because I’m not getting better. If I am honest I am sadder and sadder by the day.
At first all I could think was “I really am crazy enough for the loony bin”… but then it didn’t sound so bad, 3-4 days without little people needing me, without anyone asking anything of me, a place to hide, a place to be alone and sleep, and cry and just be alone….
Today I am nostalgic. Thinking about things, and people from my childhood- mostly my sister. Until my husband came along and rescued me, she held me together. She thinks that I was the one that shaped her, but she doesn’t know that she kept me going. I had to be there, to protect her, to teach her, to love her in the absence of parents capable of giving us those things.
Im sad because I feel like a burden, to those around me. To my friends who offer to bring me meals, or words of encouragement, or love. To my husband who has to watch his wife, who used to be strong, in control, kept the house running, fall apart into a shell of who she used to be.
I don’t know if I am truly in “crisis”. I think most days I am safe, I can’t hurt myself too badly, because my kids need me, my husband needs me, my sister says her life doesn’t work without me. But sometimes….. in the darkness inside…. I wonder if they all wouldn’t really be better off…..