My default emotion for so long has been anger. Any disruption to how my anxiety wanted things to go would be met with anger/irritation/resentment. This has gone on for years. I know those around me viewed me as tough on my kids, controlling, grouchy. But anxiety ruled my life. And anxiety wanted order. Wanted everything in my control and anyone who is a parent knows we control next to nothing. Anyone who is a Christian knows we control nothing at all. But my facade of control did well to mask the panic behind my eyes and in my heart. However, after valium made the anxiety monster go away (for bursts of periods of time) a new emotion surfaced. An emotion I haven’t allowed myself to feel for a very long time. Sadness.
With sadness comes tears. With sadness comes heartache (did you know that you heart can literally ACHE? Because I’ve learned that all too well in the past couple of months. Sadness makes me feel weak. It makes me feel vulnerable. Feelings that a former victim of child abuse avoids like the plague. I feel the sad, unwanted, rejected little girl inside me, and it hurts. So much. There is so much sadness and pain. I don’t want this pain. I pray to God to take it from me. I know He will, in His timing, He will use all this for His glory and He’s working all things in Heaven for my good. It gives some comfort but the pain in my body is real, is relentless and is exhausting.
My body is exhausted. My brain doesn’t function like it used to, and my metabolism decided to move at the speed of a sloth on sleeping pills causing me to gain weight at the rate of about a pound a week.
My new default emotion is sadness. And as they say the eyes don’t lie. Everytime I accidentally look in the mirror I see the never ending sadness behind my eyes. My children are being exposed to a mother who is sad and cries daily. I worry how this will effect them- but even that isn’t enough to shake off this despair. Let’s hope the new meds can do it soon.