I’m starting to share

Last night I finally had the courage to share these posts with my husband.  We sat at the dining room table and I read each and every one out loud to him. Pausing only to cry for myself.  At the end of it all he said how sad he is for me.  How sad he feels that I feel this.  He also said that I should know beyond a shadow of a doubt his life would NOT be better without me.  My response is, of course not, you need someone to do laundry, cook, take care of all of this as I motioned to the house.  He told me it wasn’t any of that, it was that I’m his only, and best friend.  And I cried harder.  All I could think was that he deserves so much better of a wife and friend than I can be.  And I told him “I’m not a very good friend right now”.  His response solidified to me that I’m right – he deserves more- he said “maybe not right now, but I can wait”.  I don’t deserve him. 

And that’s what it all boils down to.  When you peel away what I do in a day, what I look like, when you get to the very heart of me- I truly believe Satan’s biggest lie- “I’m not worthy”. I believe that when I look in a mirror I see someone less than, someone undeserving, someone no one should love. I’m damaged, I’m broken, I’m a burden, I’m high maintenance (emotionally). 

I’m not worthy. Despite Jesus’ soft whispers into my heart I just can’t believe in my own worth.  My deepest prayer right now is “Lord, help me in my unbelief.  Help me see your love.  Help me see me, like you see me”. Amen

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

One thought on “I’m starting to share”

  1. We all aren’t worthy of Jesus, that’s part of the point : ) . There’s nothing we can do to make up for what we’ve done for Him. BUT He became the sacrifice for us, for that reason. He loves us despite our darkness, despite our troubling thoughts. He cleanses us DAILY ❤ when we come to Him vulnerable. We aren't perfect, and God sees behind any mask we wear. He knows us entirely. He knows every single tear that falls. He loves us regardless. He wants us to heal. : ) Peace be with you, I'm so glad you opened up to your husband. It isn't easy to communicate.

    Liked by 1 person

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