Last night I finally had the courage to share these posts with my husband. We sat at the dining room table and I read each and every one out loud to him. Pausing only to cry for myself. At the end of it all he said how sad he is for me. How sad he feels that I feel this. He also said that I should know beyond a shadow of a doubt his life would NOT be better without me. My response is, of course not, you need someone to do laundry, cook, take care of all of this as I motioned to the house. He told me it wasn’t any of that, it was that I’m his only, and best friend. And I cried harder. All I could think was that he deserves so much better of a wife and friend than I can be. And I told him “I’m not a very good friend right now”. His response solidified to me that I’m right – he deserves more- he said “maybe not right now, but I can wait”. I don’t deserve him.
And that’s what it all boils down to. When you peel away what I do in a day, what I look like, when you get to the very heart of me- I truly believe Satan’s biggest lie- “I’m not worthy”. I believe that when I look in a mirror I see someone less than, someone undeserving, someone no one should love. I’m damaged, I’m broken, I’m a burden, I’m high maintenance (emotionally).
I’m not worthy. Despite Jesus’ soft whispers into my heart I just can’t believe in my own worth. My deepest prayer right now is “Lord, help me in my unbelief. Help me see your love. Help me see me, like you see me”. Amen