I feel like I need to write something, I have all these “feelings” inside, but I don’t know how to express them, how to let them out, I just feel stuffed full with sadness. I want to say something witty, or something cathartic to myself, or something that will help me let loose some of what I am feeling and thinking.
But I just have nothing. I can’t say anything. I have no words. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to scream but I can’t. The only thing I CAN say is what I said to Big One’s worker this morning “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” as I motioned around the environment. Did I mean how much longer I can adult? How much longer I can run the house? How much longer I can just survive? Even I can’t answer that question, all I know is that I just feel done.
Nothing is easy. Nothing brings answers. Hubby saw the Ortho about his back and the answer was to try another pill. A pill that will make him sleepy, and he works with power tools and heavy machinery… yeah that sounds like a good idea.
I feel like we are on the roller coaster that they are working on when you get on with trepidation and the ride operator assures all will be fine. As you strap in you realize that there is a huge piece of track missing, and again you look at the ride operator with pleading in your eyes and again he says don’t worry we’ll fix it before you get there… I want off. I want off this roller coaster. I want to ride on the merry-go-round for a while. I want to just live a simple life, without so much worry and anxiety.
I want to spend $10 at Amazon on a book I want and not worry that it’s going to break the budget for the month. Every year, as each holiday passes I think to myself, next year things will be better, I will be able to get my husband something nice for Valentine’s day, or we will finally be able to afford a weekend away for our anniversary, or next year my birthday won’t suck. And every year, we are worse off than we were the year before. Life will never get better. We have no retirement. Before my husband’s back injury I had no doubt in my mind that his business would be able to get to the point that it would support our entire family, as well as build us a nice retirement nest egg. And now, I have serious doubts that he will even be able to support us for the next year let alone for the rest of our lives.
I guess I had more to say than I thought but it still doesn’t scratch the surface of how I am feeling. I feel like there are thoughts swirling around in my head, but I can’t separate them from the vortex that’s going on inside my brain. Maybe tomorrow….
For now I’ve put my pajamas back on, a hoodie with the hood up and my body back in bed. I need to be alone in my sadness.