Do the worst first…

This morning my goal was to get the bills paid.  At the beginning of the month we pay all the recurring bills we have, because we get all our money at the beginning of the month.  I am of the mentality you eat the thing you like least first so that it’s gone, you do the worst assignment first so it’s over with, and so in recent months I started doing that with the bills.  I used to pay them as they came due but it seemed like everyday I was logging into the internet to give more money to someone else with their hand out.

Now I get it, they are our bills, we have to pay them, we spent the money (in regards to credit accounts) we owe it, but it’s so depressing to just keep handing money out left and right and right and left.  So I mustered all my strength and paid the bills (with the exception of electric because I don’t yet have that bill) that will be due this month.  Can we say depressing? My family lives on very little a month, the amount would probably shock you, and to watch so much of it electronically leave our account is even more depressing.

We have some financial stuff about to come up that will cause us to have to live on even less money envery months. I dont know how it will work out, I don’t know how we will make the balance sheet work. Hubby’s back is not getting better, and they have decided on a very conservative course of treatment, which means it could be months, or longer before it’s “cured”- not that it will ever be “cured”.  I don’t know what that means for his business, I don’t know much of anything these days.

All I do know is that I worry constantly.  We have no life insurance, we have no retirement, we have no savings to speak of (unless you count our $150 emergency fund). We own nothing of value that we could sell in a pinch.  We would have to rely on the good will of family (which we have had to do in the past, and let me tell you that is a humbling and humiliating experience- some of which I think has caused me to end up in this pit I am in).

I have come to the realization lately that we will never have anything nice.  We will never have money.  We will never be “comfortable”.  I don’t want to be rich, I would just like to not feel a sense of urgency.  I would like to not have to keep track in my head of how much I am spending at the grocery store on our necessities.  I’d like to take my kids on a vacation. Id like to know that in our old age we will be able to survive.

Yes, some of this is our “fault”.  Some of this is choices we made that seemed right at the time, but in retrospect may not have been the best financial choice (though was clearly the best choice for our family- about 6 years ago my husband took a huge pay cut to go back to school to learn a trade he had always wanted to do, to get out from a job that while it paid well, he never saw me or our children.  This new trade was promising both financially and for time spent as a family.  It was not as financially promising as we had hoped, especially after he got sick, and got laid off.  Then he took lemons and made lemonade and started his own business from the ground up, doing this trade. He turned a small profit his first year in business which from what I understand is very rare in a small business, and his second year (this past year) an even more modest profit.  But now his back threatens all of this. It threatens the very life of the business.  And if he can’t do this what will he do?

I know I can’t get a job.  The children are not in a place where public school would be the best choice for them, and most days it’s a struggle to get out of bed, I can’t imagine having to get dressed and face the public, I think it would be straight to an inpatient unit if it came to that.

I am scared. out. of. my. mind. And hubby, God love him isn’t worried, or pretends not to be.  He said it’ll be fine. How do I tell him to take off the rose-colored glasses and face the music.  That in 2 months we will find ourselves in a position that is NOT good, and we need to start planning for that now. I can’t tell him… because we can’t both have a breakdown right now. I am out of my mind and one of us has to hold it together….. so I worry in silence…. I suffer in silence…. if only my head were silent instead of a string of consciousness that won’t shut up.  All the things that could be, would be, may be, has been, was, and could have been running through it, unrelenting, inconsiderate of the fact that it makes me feel even crazier. Just stop this ride, I WANT OFF.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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