I’ve been listening to a lot of worship music. There’s a song about God being with us in the eye of the storm, that He’s always in control.
I’m told I need to get to the end of me, and hand it all over to Him.
That if I trust Him, and give it all up to Him He will guide me through this.
But what does that look like? Is this what it looks like? Is He next to me in bed right now as I type this wanting to cry, wanting to feel something but feeling numb? Or have I not given it up to Him and that’s why I’m going through this.
He never promised it (life) would be easy, in fact He promised trials and tribulations. But how do I know if I’ve given it to Him? I mean I tell Him to take it from me, to show me the way. So doesn’t that mean I’ll be cured? Like immediately- like the blind man in the Bible? Or does that mean He’s here beside me as I walk this path of agony, despair, anxiety, anger and sadness?
And if He’s beside me what is His plan? I know I am supposed to just trust that it’s all for my good, but it hurts so much. What will He use this pain for?
I know, I know-the process of refining and sanctification leads to righteousness. One day, one step, one breath at a time.
But it’s so hard. Life is hard. My heart hurts.