I can’t make up my mind…

When I first sought treatment, Anxiety was my primary concern.  I wanted it gone, I couldn’t stand the racing heart, the head in a vice, feeling paranoid life.  The doctor did her best to medicate it without benzos (benzodiazepines), but it was clear after a short period of time that I would need a benzo and she prescribed 1 valium as needed.  But when she warned me of all the side effects I was only taking it when things were “really bad”, but after speaking with her at our next appointment she assured me what she warned me about was long-term (as in years and decades of use) and I could use it twice. So I started taking it at 10 and 2.  (I was prescribed something else for sleep). But as time went on I started taking it immediately when I woke up in the morning because I had severe tremors when I woke up, and then again at noon. I was usually ok once hubby got home because, he’s my safe person, and I knew that I could go to my safe place (bedroom) at any time.

For about a month or so this worked wonders, but then as you can tell from previous entries once the anxiety was medicated away my depression (that I didn’t believe I had) reared it’s ugly head and I was sad, angry, bitter and hated every second of every day. This wasn’t good too and she started to try different medications for that. I am now on Effexor XR 75mg, which is causing my mouth to be dryer than when the dentist uses that suckie thing in your mouth and my eyes feel crossed all the time, it’s hard to read, even what I am typing here.

Well starting about 2-3 days ago my anxiety went through the roof again, I would take the valium and it was a sugar pill.  The depression was there but anxiety was starting to be loud again. Yesterday, the anxiety was taunting me so badly I was shaking uncontrollably, by the time I got to church I ended up popping another valium, bad decision? Maybe but it made it so I could get through church.  I ended up taking another valium around 2 maybe and another at 6ish. By this morning anxiety is here, overwhelming me, making my ears ring, my heart race.  I don’t feel so depressed because I can’t focus on anything except my anxiety.  Every noise is amplified and I feel like I can’t think or relax. I just took another half of valium, I will give it 30 minutes and if I don’t feel better or fall asleep I am calling the doctor.

I can’t make up my mind, I can’t decide if I would rather feel like my world is ending because I am so sad, or feeling like my world is going fast, like my heart is beating out of my chest, like everything in the environment is contaminating me, and every noise is amplified….

This sucks. I just want to sleep- all day long.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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