Random Thoughts

Sometimes people wonder what I have to be depressed about…..

  1. Filling out a deposit slip today, I transposed the numbers and the teller pointed it out to me. I was mortified.  How can I be so stupid, and I beat myself up about that for about 5 minutes until….
  2. I realized my “check gauges” light was on and my oil pressure was at ZERO.  That means either the sending unit we put in last month is bad, or the oil pump we put in not even a year ago is bad. Either way “yay”.
  3. My recliner, my only sanctuary downstairs is broken.  This weekend springs popped all over the place and my handy hunny “fixed it”.  Then yesterday as I was putting it up so I could nap, it broke and it’s stuck half up and half down. Can’t move either way.  So now I am beating myself up that my fat body can’t even use a chair properly and I have lost my downstairs “place”.
  4.  I’m not sure when my oil pressure went to zero because I was preoccupied thinking about a post I was going to make here about some other “random thoughts” so here’s some more…

5. I have this shirt from Beachbody’s 21 Day Fix.  I got it last year when I completed my first of four rounds of the program.  I lost a ton of weight, and a ton of inches.  I was within about 15 pounds of my goal weight.  The front says “closer every day” and the back says “21 Day Fix”.  I feel like a fraud every time I put it on.  Not only did I gain every ounce of weight I lost with 21 day fix back on, but I put on about 20 more.  I have gained 73 pounds.  4 years ago I started on a weight loss journey and I lost 88 pounds.  As you can see I have gained almost every single pound back. I hate myself. I hate the way I look.  And when I put that shirt on, it’s tight (but so are all my other clothes- even the 2X shirts I bought the other day), and I think about the failure I have become.  I think how can I wear this.  I am closer every day to being fatter. I am not closer every day to my goals that I had.

6.  My fasting blood sugar has been over 100 for over a week.  I am prediabetic.  I am predisposed to diabetes, my dad has it (and at 57 is on dialysis 3 times a week and has 1 leg), his dad died of it at 69. My mom’s mom had diabetes.  I have been insulin resistant my entire adult life and had gestational diabetes with my pregnancies. Knowing all of this, I still can’t make good choices.  I don’t eat at regular intervals, I don’t make good choices, sometimes when I am hungry I don’t “let” myself eat as a punishment, so  that it “hurts”. It’s the one way I can get away with self-harm and people not knowing… and since I am pretty sure no one reads this blog no one will know.

7. I’m tired. So tired. I just want to sleep.

8.  My OCD is driving me crazy.  Hubby made me look at the car, and made me test a couple things so now I feel dirty and I can’t get clean. I am going to have to shower I think in order for it to get better.

9. If anyone is reading these things they must think I am nuts. Maybe I am.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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