He keeps it going…

Dad has called me 3 times today.  The first two times to scream at me for things out of my control and the third he was nicer and wanted to make sure I knew how to reach him.  I wanted to tell him I didn’t need to reach him because I didn’t want to talk  to him… today, tomorrow or ever again.  But the truth is I will probably answer the phone when he calls again today, because he will.  And I’ll have no answers for him for his requests because I have no way to get him what he’s asking me for.  My sister seemed irritated I called and asked her what to do. She’s on vacation with her little man, she puts in a lot of time with Dad and his issues, she deserves her time away, but I don’t know the ins and outs of his situation like she does, I have no coping skills to deal with my own life on a daily basis I certainly can’t deal with my dads.  

More memories keep flashing back to me- the time my friend’s dad brought me home late from band rehearsal because he was running late- dad was waiting at the top of the stairs as I came through the door of our raised ranch with “the look” on his face.  My stomach dropped.  I was worried the whole way home he’d be mad I was late, the dad assured me he’d understand because it wasn’t my fault.  But it didn’t matter in the end.  In the end it was my fault in dad’s eyes.  He told me dinner had been ready for a while and I was late and to get to the table.  I had tears in my eyes as he shoved me towards the table.  I sat down looked at my plate and before I could pick up my fork I felt his hand on the back of my head.  He slammed my face into my plate of dinner.  I remember the feeling of the mashed potatoes smooshing under the force of my face hitting the plate, and the peas breaking covering my eyes and going up my nose.  I remember my shoulders shaking as I cried out.  He told me to  get cleaned up and eat. Act as is nothing happened.  Let’s pretend…. pretending is what I’m good at… 

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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