Today I really want to self harm 

I got a call from my PCPs office. The ortho specialist he referred me to to fix my hip won’t see me. Apparently I’m too fat.  224.5lbs on a 5ft4.5 frame = a BMI 38.5 and the nurse said that they won’t see me because my BMI is over 40… since when is 38.5 over 40? And what fat people don’t deserve treatment? It’s the damn hip that’s helped pack on these pounds in the past year. 

I hate myself today.  All the voices of ridicule for being fat are echoing through my head today. From my own father fat shaming me to the cruel kids at school. 

It’s days like this that make me feel unworthy of love.  Make me think my husband deserves a sexy wife without the rolls, the double chin and the thighs that slap together when she walks.  It’s days like today that I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  It’s days like these I don’t want to go on… 

My mom and husband tried to console me. My mom with “good things ” like that the local dr will see me Thursday, and that my A1C came back great. And I appreciated it but I wanted to say it’s still not enough.  As usual I’m not right in someone’s eyes. And hubby said he loves me and that’s all I need to focus on- and I said I want to throw myself out the window. 

I’m tired. Of it all.  

I also went to DHHS this morning.  We were getting TANF and I knew with hubby making a small (and I do mean SMALL) on his business our TANF would go down, and it did from 685-366- which is fine but the kicker is they have a program you have to participate in called ASPIRE which helps people get skills and get back to work and be self sufficient.  They told him he has to work 32-36 hours per week or they would label him non compliant and we’d lose TANF, but today, the TANF worker said because he works 32 hours we are no longer eligible even tho income wise we are. WHAT?  

We will never catch a break and our life will continue to swirl down the toilet. 

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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