At the beginning of the year, I was super mom. I was teaching a co-op class, going to another co-op, doing bible studies (yes more than one), keeping house and that’s just to name a few. By now everything has dropped away except teaching a co-op class. And I just don’t know if I can do it. I am dreading going today. I don’t want to leave the house, I want to stay in comfy pants, I want to take a nap, I don’t want to do a project with a bunch of first thru 5th graders. I should have told them I couldn’t do it anymore, I actually did, and then retracted because I felt guilty. I want to retract my retraction. Leaving the house is getting harder and harder, and it seems like I have to leave every day. I just want to stay home.
I am seriously thinking about just not going today, sending out a may day email asking for someone to cover for me, but then my kids would miss out too. They are working on a theater performance and they need the practice. I need motivation. I need courage. I need… I don’t know what I need.
Life should be getting easier but it isn’t. I am worn to the bone from counseling yesterday, that took so much out of me. I have zero energy. And yesterday we got a mixed bag of news about hubby yesterday. He needs spinal surgery. And his doctor would support his application for permanent disability. He has so many diagnoses I am not sure how hard it would be to get the benefit, but it also means he loses his business, the thing he’s built for the past couple years, the reputation he’s built. This is really affecting his psyche. Which in turn is causing me a great deal of stress. I can’t do anything to change the situation, which means I have no control, which means I am going to just worry and be anxious about it all.
Why can’t I just hide out and not leave the house? oh yeah…. I want more for my children… the most important thing I do.