I was going to write this wonderful blog post about my Pastor’s sermon about the process of sin, and how it applies to my life, to my doubts, to my self-harm, but instead I want to talk about how this downward spiral in mental health has effected (affected??) (my brain isn’t working today) my nutrition/diet.
Last year I spent about 6 successful months doing 21 day fix by Beachbody. For those that don’t know it’s basically a sugar free, whole food, portion control plan. And then we moved, and slowly my diet got to be more — American normal. Too big portions, too many carbs, addicting sugar…. But when I started this downward spiral into anxiety, depression and OCD my food went to hell. Literally. The past week my diet has pretty much consisted of bananas (yay), natural almonds (yay again), cocoa pebbles (oops- and sometimes even all 3 meals in a day), ice cream, decaf coffee (with half and half and stevia if you were wondering), vanilla Chai tea (340 calories and tons of sugar if you were wondering) and caramel frappees (spelling?) from McDonalds – anywhere from 440-680 calories depending on if I get a small or a large, and diet crush. Sounds AWESOME right? If there was one thing I learned from 21 day fix it was garbage in garbage out. But I just can’t seem to get my food under control. I want to eat crap. I don’t want to take the time to peel carrots, or make eggs. My dinners are usually pretty good because my poor husband has been coming from from work and cooking dinner. Which makes me feel even worse about myself. I hate my body right now. But at the same time I just don’t have what it takes to fuel my body in the way it needs to be. I suck.
So on that note, my anxiety the past days has been terrible. Almost as terrible as before I started taking Valium. I took 7.5mg at 8:30 this morning and when I sat down in church I had a panic attack- sweating shaking nausea type of panic attack. It was only 10:00, and I took another full dose of valium to make it through church. It’s now 2:44pm and I am shaking inside and out and feel like my world is closing in, another panic attack is on it’s way. So I took my another dose. So technically I shouldn’t take anymore today…. I don’t know if I will make it till bedtime without taking it again.
Hubby tells me I have been sleeping very restlessly at night too, more restless than he’s ever seen me in the 20 years we’ve been sharing a bed. I am tossing, turning, waking up talking and hollering. Last night I was hollering my daughters name reaching for her over and over and over, loud enough it woke him up, he let it go on about 4 times before he told me she was in her bed, and everything was ok. This is something new for me. I am waking up with severe tremors. And I feel uneasy unless the valium is pretty fresh in my system. I am looking forward to sharing this with my counselor and my med doctor this week. Im hoping we can get to the bottom of these symptoms.