I finally get to do that post I wanted to on my Pastor’s awesome sermon on Temptation. His series is based on the book of James and this particular passage focuses on James 1:13-18.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
My biggest sin by far is gluttony. Food is my drug and weapon of choice. Either the eating way too much or withholding it so that I am in pain and feel “empty” to match the rest of me. But today I will focus on the sin of gluttony, not the sin of defiling God’s temple (my body- through self harm, withholding food etc).
This morning I wasn’t hungry. Not at all. Just like every other day, I haven’t had much of an appetite since I started all my meds. But I poured a nice big bowl of my go-to breakfast lately (cocoa pebbles) with a banana in it. I ate the entire bowl, and then poured myself another. Even though I wasn’t hungry in the first place, and I had already eaten a huge bowl. Sin- my desire to eat more met opportunity – the bowl was there, the cereal was there, the milk was there, and the temptation was there. And I was weak. I let the sin win out in my life this morning. I feel guilt, remorse, and this will act as my confession to God, but I also know it won’t be the last time I glutton myself. I need to get to the underlying cause of my food addiction. Why food is my idol. Why it’s the focus of so much of my life. As I poured the 2nd bowl I looked at my husband and I told him that I didn’t even want this bowl. That I wasn’t hungry. He asked me “then why are you doing it”, “because I want it” was the best answer I had for him. He told me that when he overeats he gets physically sick. My response was “me too”. He looked at me like I was an alien and said “so why are you doing it?”. I spoke without looking at him, “because I have a food addiction”.
The truth is food makes me feel good while I am eating it. After I eat it, I hate myself. I feel guilty, I feel gross, I feel like a loser with no self-control. I am so sick of being me. So sick of doing the same thing over and over. It’s called insanity. I’m sick of being weak. I’m sick of being fat.
When I woke up this morning I opened my eyes, and despite the physical pain I was in from my hip and the numb hands/fingers. I felt ok emotionally. But that’s how it goes every day. When I am allowed to lounge in my bed, in my safe place, without anyone asking anything of me, I feel ok. But as soon as my feet hit the floor my life started going downhill again. I am feeling bleh. I am feeling like nothing will ever work out for us. Like we will never be anything more than we are. Stuck.
And this is called doubt. Doubt in God’s sovereignty in my life. Doubt in His plan. Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. But belief that God is Good, that God is good to me (and my family) and God is good at being God is a REALLY hard pill for me to swallow these days. The past 3 years have been just a living nightmare really. Nothing is going right or well for us any of us. I carry a family picture of the 4 of us in my wallet that was taken 4 summers ago. Before so much of this happened. I was at nearly my thinnest, my husband wasn’t sick, I wasn’t as depressed or anxious. I look at the picture of us and I see 4 people changed, completely. Changed by circumstances that have happened to them, to choices they made that didn’t work out, to things beyond their control. I look at those 4 people and I miss them, each of them for a different reason. That also happens to be the last true family picture we took- coincidence? I think not.
I just yelled at my 6 year old. For spilling dry cereal. DRY CEREAL. What’s the big deal? Really? Truly? There isn’t one. But today, in my life, the smallest inconvenience is the biggest offense. This too is sin.
I am living a sinful life, the sin of anger, bitterness, resentment, gluttony, sloth. Self-pity? Is that a sin? I feel like I am too sinful, too broken even for God. I know in my head and my heart that’s a lie from Satan, but I am just so depressed today it feels true. It feels like God is far away, watching like a voyeur as my life continue to fall apart more and more. I know he loves me, but it’s like He’s saying “I’ll wait just a little longer, let’s see how this plays out”. Again, I know that’s not true. Like I said I am just in a self pity mode today. I need to stop typing and sharing all this depressing, self pitying drivel. Maybe tomorrow I will have something more positive to share, but somehow I doubt it. Tomorrow I have to bring little one to the doctor to get her official ADHD diagnosis and decide if I want to medicate her. So I will spend the rest of the day 2nd guessing myself, and blaming myself.
Excuse me while I go sit in a corner and cry.