So I wrote this thing – a manifesto if you will for my counselor about our next session. It legit is about 3 pages, of my ramblings. I shared it with hubby- I got several raised eyebrows, and at the end he said that’s months worth of therapy right there.
Then I messaged my sister. She’s a therapist. I wanted her opinion on whether or not this manifesto as it were was proof that my Valium wasn’t working because my brain is moving so fast. She didn’t have a lot of opinion on that- she doesn’t like Valium and thinks my occasional extra dose is going to ruin my Benzo receptors. She reminded me I can’t medicate all my feelings away, I can’t use my super powers of avoidance and control for this. I need to go through it all, to get past it all. If I am honest- that scares the crap out of me. If I’m honest I want to medicate everything away, all my feelings every last one. Being a functional zombie appeals to me.
We also talked about that I would really love is for somebody to walk beside me, and tell me what to do every moment, what to think every step of every day, what to eat what to wear when to go one to stay but yet I want to control it all to