Yesterday I had no feelings. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t angry, I was just here. Feeling nothing, which I guess is what I have been wanting – to feel numb- but I did nothing all day long. Ok that’s not true. I took little one to her 2 hour appointment for ADHD diagnosis, and big one for his monthly med appointment, then I came home and did nothing, all day. I napped for 2 hours, and sat on the couch. I played on my phone, scrolled facebook over and over and even played a few games of solitaire. Hubby called around 5 to talk about dinner. I asked what he wanted and he said “you aren’t going to like what I have to say” and I immediately knew he was going to say waffles or pancakes, and yep that’s what he said. In my head all I could think was for crying out loud dude do you realize how much work that’s going to be? And immediately I chastised myself – seriously- pancakes a lot of work? That’s pretty damn pathetic isn’t it? So I made myself get up and make the damn pancakes, and I folded the laundry from last week. (Of course I still have like 13 loads to wash….
So then I was thinking maybe all this is in my head, maybe I am not depressed, maybe I am just a fat lazy loser. Im on a binge week, (my self harm techniques are scratching, binging or withholding food) so I binged all day and felt like crap like I should be on the show my 600lb life.
So today I had counseling. That was a hot mess. I was all over the place like a squirrel on speed this time. Jumped from topic to topic. However, she did reassure me that depression can be just feeling nothing and having no motivation and sleeping all day. Phew! Im not a lazy lunk.
The session was hard. I cried just about the entire time. We talked about my kids, and how I feel like I am a sorry excuse for a mother these days, being depressed and all. I don’t think I can even think of all the things that we talked about. I’m glad to know I am not just a fat-ass lazy person. That takes a load off… but I can’t promise I won’t feel like that again….
OH! I remember one thing we talked about… that I am all or nothing…. black or white, no gray. Gray is scary. Gray makes no sense. I am either good or bad. I am either depressed or lazy. Life makes sense in black and white.
We talked about what it’s like in a stand alone Crisis Stabilization Unit – because I think the descriptions I was getting were hospital ones… these seem much less intense. I have had so many people say I should go, it’s probably an eventuality…. especially since I am still self-harming.
My PCP. my med doctor, my counselor, my kids’ med doctor and and my husband. Just have to decide if I can give up control of the house and go and focus on ME.
Only time will tell….