Does that exist? Why do I still feel the need to please the man who abused me? Why do I need to be “the good daughter”? Why do I need to cater to his every whim and desire? Why does his approval matter to me? Why don’t I have the strength to just cut him out of my life? He has asked that I call him every single day. And I have been doing that. I missed one day and the minute I called the next day I started crying apologizing. Why? I was so angry with myself for crying in front of him. He knows he still has power over me. Even from over 100 miles away, even in his frail immobile state. Even over the phone when I have the ability to click end call. Or even ignore call. What is wrong with me?
The world tells me he doesn’t deserve it. My faith tells me to forgive. My heart is just broken. I don’t really know the right answer, all I know is I wish that at 39 years old I wasn’t still scared of him, and I wish he had no power to hurt me….