The best and the worst time of the year…..

Tax refund season.  Should be the best time of the year, how often does the US Government send you a check for sometimes thousands of dollars- (yes I realize some people have to pay in, or don’t get a refund for whatever reason, but when you are low income and have children you get EITC and Child Tax credit so you get money back).  We got ours on the 15th for the Feds and the 20th for the state.  I left it in there till today.  I wanted to feel for a couple days that we were rich. That we had some money.

And then I paid bills. LOTS of bills.  We carry some credit card debt like most of America. And we pay our homeowners insurance and property taxes with our tax return.  I’d like to say that we paid off all the credit card debt we carry, but alas we didn’t.  But I am happy to report our electric bill is completely caught up, we can catch up on our oil (we haven’t yet only because we are awaiting our heating oil assistance money so we don’t have to spend that money if we don’t need to).  And we paid off about half our credit card debt.  Not enough, but we will get there.

We also wanted to keep a little cushion of cash since our state benefits are cut off as of April 1st, (until they made the medical determination that hubby can get disability due to his many conditions), and then of course SSDI has to make their decision. I was really worried about money until I paid off those bills today. Paying them off made our monthly payments over 200 less.  And I also paid off our car insurance until it renews. This takes a load off my shoulders.

But it doesn’t change the fact that we are never going to get ahead. My husband is never going to ever be able to be “gainfully” employed again.  My mental health and dealing with two special kids make it impossible for me to just “go out and get a job”. I can barely run to the pharmacy without valium keeping me from panicking and I use the DRIVE THRU!

I wonder if I will ever be “normal” again. I wonder if I will enjoy going out again. If I will ever want to be a part of society.  I wonder if I will ever have hobbies and interests again. I miss knitting and reading but it just requires more thoughts and attention than I can give.

The only thing I can do is blog.  I can put my feelings and thoughts here.  But I think that’s because it helps get them out of my head.

My brother- I haven’t talked much about him, he read my entire blog over the course of the past couple of days. First, I am humbled and grateful that he was willing to devote his precious time to reading my thoughts and feelings but he also had empathetic feelings toward everything that I had to endure as a child.  He knew some of it, and he himself suffered at the hands of my father the few occasions he visited us when he visited us.  (He grew up with his biological father), but he never knew how bad it was for me, and if I am honest with all of you, I haven’t even scratched the surface of the abuse I endured at his hands.  Eventually, I will get to more of it, I will share more of it, but I have to let it go slowly. If I don’t I will go crazy(ier) than I already am.

I am very lucky, my parented gave me a wonderful gift in the fact I have siblings. A sister, and a brother.  Even though he’s only a “half” brother I never thought of him like that.  We are close, the three of us, but it’s only recently that I have begun sharing how badly I’m doing with them.  I am the one who always brought us together.  It was a letter I wrote to my brother that got him to start visiting us when I was a kid, I am the glue that holds my family together, and I wear that badge with honor, because it’s a good label, but with that label there is also responsibility and there is disappointments because I am not perfect. Because I can’t keep the peace between everyone, I can’t mend all the relationships.

Today hubby had to fill out his disability paperwork for the state, next we will have to fill out the application for the Social Security office.  Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here.  How is this my life? This is so not what I imagined when I was a little girl. I’m disappointed in so many ways.  I thought we were would financially secure, I didn’t think we would drive crappy cars, I didn’t think we would have to pinch every penny every month. I didn’t think that we would always struggle.

I was thinking about happiness, and what it means to me, and I think the answer I gave yesterday is the best that I can explain, but I also wonder if I can ever be truly happy or content living hand to mouth, relying on the state, or the government.  I want to be secure.  I don’t want to be rich (though universe if you are listening if you felt like you wanted to drop a million in my lap tomorrow I wouldn’t complain).  But I worry about our kids’ college, I worry about retirement, I worry about tomorrow.  What if an appliance breaks? What if we get in a car accident how will we replace the vehicle?  I try really hard not to focus on all this stuff too much because it really gets me down, and get raises my anxiety level but today it’s fresh in my mind as I went from website to website paying the bills I didn’t have a choice but to think about our financial future.  What I really hope is that each of my children will find a job that will bring them financial peace and security and I hope that I can teach them to manage money better than I have in the past – past mistakes, past bad choices and continued mistakes.

This was sort of an odd combination of thoughts….. sorry. It’s what’s on my mind after 2 valium….





Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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