Two doctors have told my husband that his herniated disk isn’t operable.  I was so confused.  So many people have disk surgery and turn out fine.  Why can’t he?  What makes his case so special? Are we being discriminated against because we are poor? Because of some unknown cosmic reason?


On the way home from church today he finally explained to my why they can’t/won’t operate.  When most people herniate a disk it herniates away from their spinal cord, and it’s easy to access.  His herniated the other way, and therefore accessing the herniation will be difficult and my own assumption is there is more risk of spinal cord and nerve damage.

This broke me- again.  I had one of those this will turn our perfect scenarios going again. See as a child a coping skill I had, and still use, was to make out these senarios in my head.  Senarios where I would do this or that and it would make Daddy happy or proud of me.  Or if I did this or that, then all of a sudden I would be popular at school.  Very, very, rarely come to think of it I can’t think of a single time one of these imaginary senarios in my head actually came true. I don’t know why I still do this.  I don’t know why I still make up these senarios if they never work or come true.  I don’t know why I had this picture in my head of us walking into the new surgeon’s office, and he would tell us that yes, he’s the perfect candidate for surgery, they could get him in, in a couple weeks and he would need some PT and rest and in 3-6 months I’d have my husband back.  Sure he would still have the mysterious illness that’s plagued him the past 3 years, but now at least he wouldn’t have the intolerable pain in his back anymore. But alas again I set myself up to be disappointed.

Inoperable.  That’s a word you think of when you think of a tumor, or a cancerous lump, or I don’t eve know.  Not to a 38 year old’s herniated disk.

I really feel like my life has gone to hell.  I feel like I am a hot mess, my kids are suffering from parents who are broken in one way or another.  My husband, my rock, my positive polly to my negative nelly.

I wonder what my next pollyanna-esque fantasy that won’t come true will be and who it will involve. I’m tired of everything going wrong, all the time. I don’t know how I will be able to hold on till we get to the other side.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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