Questions

Is a glass of water heavy?

What color is a banana?

If you asked me either of those questions you would get a thesis for an answer instead of a yes/no or one specific color.

Why can’t I just say a banana is yellow? Why would I need to say: Well I guess it depends on where it is and it’s ripening I prefer my bananas light green to almost turning yellow but sometimes I buy them when they’re nothing but green then they go from like a yellowish green to a darker yellow and brown spots are added and they become brown so really bananas are several different colors and I’m not sure which answer you want…

I am sure there is some sort of psychological reasoning for this. But it was something that just tonight I noticed about myself.  And I thought about the text messages I send in comparison with the text messages my husband sends.  Sometimes he will comment on the length of my message for the question asked and I can’t seem to give him a reason why I feel the need to reply back with a 3 page text.

I would like to talk about this in counseling tomorrow but I think we are going to talk about my homework about happiness, and the other things I wanted to talk “work on” coping skills for my self harm, and I can’t remember what else I wanted to work on. I need to ask her that, I need to write it out, so that I can remember. Not knowing, not remembering things makes me nervous and uncomfortable.

I can’t stand the unknown, I can’t stand surprises, or spontaneous.

My husband and I were talking about my upcoming birthday, and I said something about maybe going to mom’s unless he had something planned.   He said “honey, if I thought there was anything you wanted to do, I would plan it”.  I got sad, because he’s right. First of all, my birthdays ALWAYS suck.  Hubby didn’t believe me for several years, finally last year he realized Im right something bad always happens. And I don’t know what I want to do for my birthday, I don’t know what I want for a gift for my birthday.  I don’t seem to know anything anymore.

It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.  I was cleaning out my bedroom yesterday, and I found a to do list from this summer, it was a 1 day to do list and it had about 25 things on it, and I can promise if I didn’t do every last thing on that list I came really close. These days, I don’t make a list, these days I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I sleep, I overeat or don’t eat enough, I play solitaire, check facebook and think — a lot.  I am really not sure who I am anymore because I am literally not who I was 6 months ago.  I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know if I want to find the old me, establish a new me, or accept that this IS the new me?

Right now my brain is going from subject to subject while I am paying attention to a movie, my brain never slows down and can focus on so many things at once, it never gets a rest. We were talking about guided meditation today for my husbands lack of sleep, and I shared with my family that I can’t meditate, I never have been able to, I can’t clear my mind. I even struggle with prayer.  I start praying and shortly my mind wanders from subject to subject and I forget I was praying in the first place. I am unable to concentrate and stay somewhere for any length of time- mentally. That’s not like me. I with I could understand what’s broken in my brain, or maybe find a way to channel that energy and maybe find a way to let my brain rest. If my brain can rest, maybe I can find peace, if I can find peace, maybe I can find answers.

 

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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