You know, one of the things I hate most about depression is that it can’t make up it’s mind. One day you can’t stop crying, everything is sad, the world is a sad sad place. The next day everything offends you, you are angry, you are bitter, resentful, mad and hate pretty much everyone. Then the next day, you just feel eh. Not bad, not good, you are just existing. At that point you wonder, am I still depressed or am I ok now and just lazy? I can’t stand it. I wish it could just pick an emotion and stick with it. Because I get whiplash trying to figure out where I am, what I am feeling and what the heck is going on. I know a couple weeks ago I said I wanted to feel numb…. but I have changed my mind. Numb makes you feel lazy and useless. Numb makes you feel like you really have nothing wrong with you. At least when you are sad you know what you are feeling. I can’t make up my mind.
I have also been looking up the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I really feel like the symptoms fit me, and I wonder if that’s not another label that would fit me. I don’t know why it’s important, I guess I just like neat and tidy answers, and I know I may never get all the neat and tidy answers I am looking for but I certainly can wish that I had them.
I also am irritated with people who think they know how to make you better. Yes, I realize it comes from a good place, a place of love and care, a place of wanting to help, but please leave it to the professionals. Let my doctors and my counselors decide whats best for me and when. I already have a guilt problem and piling on things you think I “should” be doing just makes it worse. I stepped down from teaching co op this week. It looks like tomorrow is going to be my last class because no one has stepped up to sub for me. I am kind of hurt by that because I have stepped up and helped others. But I will get over it- eventually. But I tend to be hurt by things like that and let them bother me for a long time. Because I will wonder if secretly they really hate me, if I have done something to offend them. I am really not sure that I am going to do co op next year. There is so much stress, so much time involved and I am not really sure that it’s worth it for my kids. I guess I will have to give that some major thought.
I think I have more to say but I can’t think of it right now so I will end here.