Take this pill… no this one…. no this one.

I’ve known since the beginning that finding the right meds combination would be a long and arduous process, and I know this first hand from the fact that we went through it with big one.  It took years before we found the right combination that did what it needed to for him.

But man I didn’t realize how much it messes with you.  We started with hydroxyzine for sleep, it wasn’t very effective, and my depression wasn’t getting better, so she wanted to try something different that would give me a bigger antidepressant boost and we did remeron at night (another antidepressant – I was taking effexor during the day).  We did 14 days of remeron, my sleep was pretty good, though apparently I was talking and thrashing a lot. Not a huge deal, but I gained 14lbs in 14 days, and though yes I was binging she felt it was unlikely I was eating enough to account for that and it must be the meds.  So she put me on this beta blocker similar to propanalol that I used to take for anxiety but was ineffective….. this was supposedly a great treatment for PTSD, nightmares and sleep.  So I took it Tuesday night, and Tuesday night I dreamt my 73 year old mother in law had quadruplets, and she was in florida with them, she was trying to feed them in bouncy seats at the edge of the surf and they were drowning.  They were just preemies, so tiny.  And everytime I would move one so that they weren’t in the water another one would go in the the water. *As a side note my mother in law was/is an amazing mother and never would have done that* and they babies were just drowning no matter what I did, it was so unnerving.  But I shrugged it off.

Night 2 on the med, first I had a dream we were at a wedding at a friend’s house (who is actually a celebrity and we don’t know in real life) and there was a shooter, and we were all trying to escape.  Then I had a dream that I don’t want to share details about but it involved infidelity on my husbands part, and doing counseling with our pastor and my husband acting like it was no big deal, and he left mid session to go continue with the aforementioned behavior.  Now let me tell you my husband is as loyal as they come and I would never have to worry about this…. there were a lot more details in the dream that give me insight into what the dreams were probably really about but that’s not important.  What’s important is the med I am taking to prevent nightmares has caused nightmares two nights in a row.  It can’t be a coincidence.  I woke up with extreme anxiety, and full of anger and rage towards my poor husband who had been asleep beside me all along.

So I called the doctor almost the minute they opened to let them know what was going on.  The nurse called back within about 15 minutes and told me to stop this pill, and go back to the hydroxyzine take 3 of them, and if that’s not enough take 4 of them just let them know how many I am taking…. so back to square one there.

It’s a frustrating process, and after 2 nights of nightmares I am exhausted. So I have been napping a lot- which makes me feel guilty about big one and little one…. it never ends….

 

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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