I could just leave this blog at the title. But I won’t, because I don’t know when to just shut up. I was taking a shower a little bit ago and realized that my bra had cut me. It’s just too tight. IT CUT ME. Nothing fits right, it either hangs off me or is too small. I have rolls, bulges and a double chin. I get winded on the stairs, my face is as round as a basketball.
Inside my head, I am broken. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I am upset about, so many things that I can’t let go of, so many things that I can’t stop thinking about. So much damage. I’m still upset about my husband being upset with my yesterday.
Hubby told me if I don’t like something change it. But I said that I have no motivation to change anything right now. Not my food, working out seems like too much work, and then there is my hip issue. So then he had the easy answer of ok then, find something else that you can change and work on that.
I wish I could do that. But I feel paralyzed. I can’t even think of one thing that I feel able to change. When I start to make a list of goals and how to meet them, I can’t even put number one.
I mean I know that I want to be mentally healthy, happy again. And that will be accomplished through meds and therapy. But that’s a process, that will take time, maybe years. That’s not something that I can control the pace of really. I mean I have to do the work.
So number 2…. Im at a loss. I want to say change my body, but I just feel overwhelmed at that thought. And I am not even thinking that I need to lose 100 lbs just thinking about losing 1 pound. Thinking about giving up one thing I like to eat, it is just too much for me to bear. But then I steal a sideways glance at myself in the mirror when I get dressed and I want to throw up.
I am stuck. I know some people are probably saying “suck it up buttercup – calories in, calories out. Go for a walk”. And to you I say you are right (except about the walk my hip is in too bad a shape right now). But you are right, however, I can’t suck it up, because I can barely breathe right now.
I just want to make it through today to tomorrow. One foot in front of the other, hopefully never having to see anyone. I want to be alone. All alone.