I hate my body.

I could just leave this blog at the title.  But I won’t, because I don’t know when to just shut up.  I was taking a shower a little bit ago and realized that my bra had cut me.  It’s just too tight. IT CUT ME.  Nothing fits right, it either hangs off me or is too small.  I have rolls, bulges and a double chin.  I get winded on the stairs, my face is as round as a basketball.

Inside my head, I am broken. There is so much going on in my head, so many things I am upset about, so many things that I can’t let go of, so many things that I can’t stop thinking about.  So much damage. I’m still upset about my husband being upset with my yesterday.

Hubby told me if I don’t like something change it.  But I said that I have no motivation to change anything right now.  Not my food, working out seems like too much work, and then there is my hip issue. So then he had the easy answer of ok then, find something else that you can change and work on that.

I wish I could do that.  But I feel paralyzed.  I can’t even think of one thing that I feel able to change. When I start to make a list of goals and how to meet them, I can’t even put number one.

I mean I know that I want to be mentally healthy, happy again.  And that will be accomplished through meds and therapy.  But that’s a process, that will take time, maybe years.  That’s not something that I can control the pace of really.  I mean I have to do the work.

So number 2…. Im at a loss.  I want to say change my body, but I just feel overwhelmed at that thought.  And I am not even thinking that I need to lose 100 lbs just thinking about losing 1 pound. Thinking about giving up one thing I like to eat, it is just too much for me to bear.   But then I steal a sideways glance at myself in the mirror when I get dressed and I want to throw up.

I am stuck. I know some people are probably saying “suck it up buttercup – calories in, calories out.  Go for a walk”.  And to you I say you are right (except about the walk my hip is in too bad a shape right now).  But you are right, however, I can’t suck it up, because I can barely breathe right now.

I just want to make it through today to tomorrow. One foot in front of the other, hopefully never having to see anyone. I want to be alone. All alone.


Still Upset

I am still upset and brooding about hubby being bothered yesterday. I know he’s probably forgotten all about it, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind. I can’t let it go, he’s very rarely every upset/bothered by things so this is a big deal to me.  I know part of his reaction was the fact that he had to spend 24 hours with his mother, which usually puts him in a “mood” but still he very rarely gets upset with me.  He always has just let me do whatever I wanted (within reason), and never complained.  So this is an anomoly that my brain can’t file away.  There’s no category for this. And therefore I’m stuck. I’m perseverating.  Im going over in my mind what I should have done differently.

Add to that, I accidentally looked in the mirror last night and this morning while getting dressed.  I was repulsed. I can’t imagine my husband wanting to be anywhere near this version of me. I have just gone so far beyong where I used to be.  I want to cry because it’s been a long time since I felt this disgusted with myself.

I didn’t sleep well, and therefore when my alarm went off I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep. Which means missing church again.  I need church.  My kids need church.  My husband needs church.  But I just can’t drag myself out of bed. I feel so guilty about it.  I know there is freedom in Christ, I know He forgives me.  I know there is now no condemnation in Christ.  But there is condemnation in me.  There is no forgiveness for me.  I don’t allow things like this. I am just so mad at myself today for so many reasons.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I kmow what’s going to happen as soon as this is written I am going to go switch my laundry over, I was going to hang it out, but clouds are coming and going out to the lines sounds like so much work.  Start a new load.  Go get a sweatshirt because now I am cold.  And then I will commence avoidance techniquie #1 Naptime. My only escape from a world I can’t understand, and am not happy with right now.

So off to lala land I go.

The “Birthing” happened.

A friend told me this week that these play productions my children were in are like giving birth, you toil in pain, and discomfort, then the play comes, somehow what looked like a trainwreck on Monday magically comes together on Friday night and Saturday afternoon and it’s a beautiful thing.  I had considerable anxiety throughout both days for so many reasons.

  1.  I didn’t volunteer to help with anything.  Not set up, not break down, not costumes, or make up or even bringing a snack.  I got my kids there – that’s it.
  2. I had to deal with family, and many family dynamics that just plain suck.
  3. Little one had meltdowns before both performances over makeup.
  4. I was surrounded by a lot of people all the time without a reprieve.

I am glad the play is over.  Will I let my kids do it again? If you had asked me Thursday I would have said NO WAY, in fact Friday night I said just that, but tonight, the answer is maybe. It’s just like when a woman gives birth, you don’t ask her mid push if she wants another baby, you wait until she’s had a chance to see the outcome and hold her creation.

Changing gears- for the first time in a very long time hubby was upset with me, let me rephrase- he was “bothered”.  A friend had asked a favor of me, and me being me, a people pleaser, said yes.  It wasn’t a big favor, and I feel like I owe so much to her so I said yes. But he was bothered by the fact that I barely get off the couch, that I don’t do a lot at home and I agreed to do a favor for her. I can completely see his point.  He has had to pick up so much slack on things he’s never had to do before in all our years of marriage. I feel so guilty he has had to do that, and I feel guilty he was upset with me. And it’s all I have thought about since he told me a couple hours ago.  I am just fixated on the fact that I “bothered” him.  I can’t stand to disappoint anyone and I have worked myself up into quite a state.

I got the favor done a few minutes ago so that that would be out of the way and then at least it wouldn’t be something between us anymore – but he says it’s not between us, he said his peace and it was over.  But not for me.  I will carry this with me for a very long time.  It has become an open festering wound like so many other instances in my life.  Dramatic? Yes.  But that’s what happens.  This is why I avoid. I really need to just withdraw from life even more.  My heard can’t take these wounds.  Eventually I am going to have another breakdown and I don’t know if I will ever be the same.

Hubby- I know you are reading this, and I know that for you it’s over, you aren’t angry with me, that you never were.  You said part of you is glad I am doing something other than being on the couch.  You were more than gracious about the whole thing, but I need to apologize again.  I am so sorry that I did something that upset you. I wish I could go back in time and just have said no.  I wish I could have done something different.  Please forgive me- even though I know you don’t feel like there is anything to forgive you know how I am.  I love you- more than you know.


Three posts today… must mean things are getting bad again…

As I may have mentioned I got to have most of the day to myself, hubby taking the kids for more than 5 hours to their dress rehearsal, and as I suspected everyone was in a grumpy mood when they got home.

Little one screamed that it was all my fault she couldn’t play outside because of play practice – yes that’s my fault SURE…. and then she proceeded to play outside until it was too dark to see.

Big one immediately logged onto his computer and played Minecraft and watched Youtube.  Not even so much as a hello mom.

And Hubby- poor hubby.  First of all he was happy I went and got the corn for the chickens for him, but shortly thereafter realized what I had planned for dinner didn’t exist in the house.  I had remembered the hot dogs but forgot to buy the gluten free mac and cheese.  So I offered to change my clothes into outside clothes (remember I have several sets for different things due to my OCD rulles).  And went to the store for the THIRD time today.  Something I LOATHE.  But I went for him.

I am not eating with them.  Grumpy children and me eating doesn’t work out well lately.  I will eat a bowl of cocoa pebbles by myself, in peace.  I can hear Big One at the table going on and on about Minecraft I had to put my headphones on and turned on some music. I can’t stand to hear another word about Minecraft right now.

Hubby got a text from a customer about his car leaking gas.  A car he just fixed the gas leak, he’s got no clue what could have happened because he fixed it, he took it for a test drive but here we go.  He’s not supposed to be working but this person is a friend so what does he do?

Listening to him talk tonight he is feeling really upset about the loss of the business… it’s interesting that just a couple hours ago I was posting about that.

It’s so interesting to me that it wasn’t until real life returned that the sadness and anger descended back onto me like a lead blanket.   I won’t pretend I was “ok” today, people who aren’t depressed don’t lay on the couch all day long and do nothing except eat, drink and watch tv. But right now, I feel on the verge of tears. My children are not being nice, my husband is depressed, I can’t stand to see him hurting.  This is another trigger for me to want to hurt myself. Seeing the pain in his eyes makes me want to hurt myself, like it would take his pain away- rationally I know that’s not the case. But I am also not mentally well 😉

I know I can’t escape real life forever, but this can’t be good.  I love my family.  I really do.  They are all I ever wanted.  But why is it right now they are the thing that triggers me worse.

I feel like this is the only place I can really talk about how I am feeling.  I have 2 friends in real life that mostly know the extent of what I am going through and I try not to burden them too much, I don’t want to be “that friend”.  The one that you dread seeing or talking to because they are just a downer.  And I can’t lay it all on hubby- though I know he reads these or most of them anyway…. Sometimes I feel so alone. And not in the good way like today, alone like no one else can possibly understand how I am feeling, and most people who know me know “something’s up” and they seem scared of me.  Like I am a leper or something.  Like I can give them my depression. My mother in law is case in point.  I overheard a conversation between her and hubby the other night and she seemed like she was scared of me.  Like she didn’t know how to even talk to me. LIKE A PERSON. That’s it.

I feel like I have so much on my mind but I can’t seem to work the thoughts out in my mind.  My thoughts are racing too much at this point. They are jumping from thing to thing that I am upset about and I don’t know where to stop.


One of the Things That Hurts the Most

Once 1:15pm came my hubby and both kiddos headed off to dress rehearsal for their play this weekend.  That means I have been alone for the past 5 hours. And I realized that yes, I did nothing, well… I did go to the store to get corn for the chickens for hubby because he can’t…. but other than that I laid on the couch and did literally nothing.  And while I self harmed this morning, I have been alone all afternoon and I have had no feelings. Which is still depression yes, but I just had feeling of blah. I didn’t have anyone expecting anything from me, asking me to do anything, I ate what I wanted (too much), when I wanted (too often), and watched what I wanted on TV.  I could live like this.  But this isn’t real life.  I live in the real world and I have to be in the real world…

But back to the content of this post.  As I was driving to tractor supply this afternoon I was thinking about my husband’s business.  He opened his own shop 2 years 4 months ago.  He started the business with just the tools he had, never took a business loan and built it from the ground up slowly and steadily.  This past July things really took off, it looked like things would keep growing at a rapid pace and all our dreams would come true.  We were on track to hire someone next year, which would take pressure off of him.  Since starting the business he has only been able to work 4 days a week 5 hours a day, and he would come home exhausted, with nothing left to give us because of his fibromyalgia and other relates conditions.  Opening his own shop has been a dream of his.  And then he re injured his back.  And that was more than a set back.  He kept trying to work and things were getting worse and worse.  With his fibro, and definitely with his back.  Finally, he went to the doctor he got the diagnosis of an inoperable herniation of his disk that would never actually go away he would have to just rest and do PT and hope to manage the pain and the referred numbness with meds.

Today he came home from lunch with his friend and he told me that his friend used deductive reasoning to figure out that he won’t ever be back at the shop.  His friend reminded him that he is now essentially disabled, and he can’t go from a one person shop to hiring someone when he wasn’t even there yet – before the “temporary” closure.  It broke my heart.  This was his dream. This was to be our nest egg, our retirement.  He had built up such a good reputation in our community and even surrounding communities.

Im not sure why God has put this obstacle in our way. I am not sure what His plan is.  But I do know that my husband will never be the same. I hope that whatever comes next he is able to find happiness with- because he is becoming depressed and that kills me.  He’s my happy-go-lucky, optimistic husband.

What’s a wife to do? The two of us are broken people right now. Broken physically and emotionally.  It’s hard to see a bright side.

Self Injury Isn’t Just Teenagers Acting out or Looking for Attention…..

I feel like there is this subculture out there- the misinformed about mental illness maybe? That the only people who engage in self-injurious behavior especially cutting/scratching is teenagers looking for attention.

I can only speak for myself here, because I am not a therapist (obviously), but I can only speak from my experiences.  I scratched as a teen.  I did it for the same reasons I do today.

  1.  To punish myself when I do something “bad” (usually brought on by an OCD trigger)
  2. To get a physical release of whatever chemical in my brain that creates calming.  While I am harming myself, I am frantic, I am irritable, I am unhappy, crying, panicked, it is not a pretty sight.  But once I am done a calmness comes over me.  The pain brings me peace, and almost pleasure.
  3. To hurt myself because I am angry at myself for something.  It may seem like the same as number 1 but it isn’t, it’s more about I binged and I am pissed, or I cried in front of someone- showing weakness.
  4. When I am mad at someone else.  I am not good at expressing my feelings when someone hurts me. I am not able to tell them that I am mad at them.
  5. When I am frustrated and just can’t take another thing- like yesterday after the incident with big one clocking his friend, the exposure therapy, the hard therapy session, on top of everything else going on this week.

So as you can see it has nothing to do with attention.  In fact I almost always wear long sleeves after I have hurt myself so that people don’t see it. I am ashamed for people to see, especially people I respect, and my children.  When I do wear short sleeves, I wear a sweater over it.

My self harm is not for anyone but me.  I share it here, but there are probably 2 maybe 3 people reading this blog that know who I am and since we are as close as we are in real life (hi hubby) there’s really no hiding it from them.

My husband gets very angry when I self harm.  I naively thought that him telling me to stop would get me to stop.  And the more reading I do about self harm, ordering someone to stop won’t stop them.  The change, and the desire to stop has to come from the person doing the harming.  And I am not ready, willing or able to stop at this point.  It gives me something that no medication can do, that no talk therapy has done.

I don’t want to always hurt myself, I would like to have better coping skills someday.  Someday I would like to remember it as something I did in the past and not something I still have the urge to do.  But I don’t know when that will happen.

I thought this article was especially good at covering the topic of self-harm in adults. https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-harm-in-adults-self-injury-not-limited-to-teens

I self harmed today in the shower. There was no particular “trigger” except maybe that I had to clean the bathroom and the cat boxes in preparation for the fact that we are going to be having company here this weekend.  So not only was I triggered for OCD by the cleaning of dirty things, but I am anxious about the play and about the company coming this weekend.  What I did to self harm was to take my Arabic Coffee Bath Scrub and scrub it all over my arms where I had scratched yesterday with the keys.  It hurt like heck, but I did it anyway.  And as much as it hurt I loved it.

Anyway- I just wanted to remind everyone that self-harm isn’t just for teenagers, and it’s not just for attention.

If you could do anything….

I should be sleeping I have to get up very early for a big one to have lab work done and a doctor appointment for myself but I found myself scrolling down my Facebook feed as I do more times than I care to admit during the day. And I came across a post from someone that I follow who’s famous talking about her love of travel she was sitting in an arm chair reading a book and will appear to be a rather large library. And it got me thinking to what would I like to be able to do?

My dream is to someday be able to afford to travel. To see new places and different cultures. To see Europe and Asia to go to Australia and New Zealand. To see places in the United States that I’ve never seen like the Grand Canyon in Hollywood and Iowa. I don’t know why I have a love affair with Iowa but it was where was always going to run away to as a child. 

I want to see New York City I want to see Alaska. I want to go to Canada. I want to see Scotland and all the beauty that is be held there I want to go to Ireland and England Italy.

But I’ll be lucky if I ever get to travel more than a couple hundred miles from home it’s just not in the cards I guess it’s time to find new dreams and new wishes.  I guess it’s time to make new plans and figure out what I want out of life.

In three years we will have been married 20 years and we had planned to go back to our honeymoon location but I seriously doubt that’s in the cards especially because we’ve already decided that since little one has never seen Disney World she should get to go there before we get the honeymoon we should’ve had.

It’s really humbling and sad to have to let go of the hopes and dreams and plans you held so close to your heart. This is just another thing that I am losing, another thing that makes me sad, that makes me numb.