Hi Babe! 👋🏻
I told him last night that I would really prefer he read my blog on his own and then we could talk about it. Because before I was reading it to him. But now that I know he’s reading it, do I want to continue to be completely open and honest and out there or do I want to censor some of the things I say and do is not to give him any more worried than he already has? That poor man has enough of his own issues to deal with. I don’t want him to sit and worry about me I don’t want anybody to worry about me I hate being a burden I hated that people feel like they need to be there for me.
I’m having a rough day my 2X shirts that I bought A couple weeks ago with a friend are getting smaller and tighter and riding up higher I have one pair of jeans that I lay on the bed and squeeze myself into button and zip and can barely breathe the entire time I wear them but there are just some places where I have too much dignity to wear the leggings like church. I really know that I have a lot that I’m facing right now and maybe weight loss or weight maintenance or what size I am shouldn’t be in the front burner but it is because I have to look at my face every day I have to look at my body every day I have to find clothes that will fit my new body every day. And every day I hate my body more and more. I hate what I’ve done to myself.I hate me.
My husband and I were talking earlier about how I often say I hate my life and I told him that I want him to know that I love him more than anything and I wouldn’t change a thing and I love her children and I wouldn’t change them so I guess really what I really hate is me it’s not my life it’s me in my life and I don’t know how to change that yet I am working on it through therapy and meds I have to go tomorrow to see my med doctor for kind of a emergency appointment one that wasn’t schedule but all the stuff she’s given me for sleeping hasn’t helped and I’m worried she’s going to bring up the crisis intervention unit again and I’m going to tell her not yet we have a break coming up big one and little one are going to be going away to visit their grandparents and big one has three night sleepover and then another night sleepover this week so I’m going to get a break next week I should have a decent 3-5 day break where I don’t have being asked of me so maybe just maybe I can get some of the rest I need maybe I can heal or maybe I’ll just sleep I don’t know I feel like I’m rambling right now but my brain just won’t shut off I really should be folding the 55,000 pairs of socks I need to fold and put the towels away because I folded all the laundry today that was my accomplishment for today and I think I did pretty good.