On the way to where we were headed tonight little one was disappointed that her playdate got cancelled tomorrow, and she told me:
“Mama, the bad memories and thoughts make a potion in my head that tries to take away the good thoughts and memories”. The insight that child has amazes me. She understands her brain in a way that I don’t even understand mine. I told her that my brain does that too, and big one said his does too. I told her, Little One I think everyone’s brain does that.
She also has this theory that she has “black holes” in her brain, these black holes are all different some of them make her not listen, some make her mad, some make her do naughty things. This makes sense to me, it’s like the little voices in all of our heads that tell us what to do and what not to do.
She has come up with all these things herself. It amazes me. I hope this is a sign that she will be more mentally healthy than I am.
I have had a hard day. I had an extra medication appointment today to try to figure out what I can take to help me sleep at night. We talked about my self harm, and my OCD. She feels my OCD is much worse than it was when we first started meeting, but she sees a difference in my depression and anxiety. I think in general she’s right- although the past couple days my anxiety has been really high. But my OCD is definitely worse. And both her and my counselor asked me today if I try to go against my obsessions or compulsions and I basically said no. I let it run my life. Which is partially true- like Sunday I was obsessing over cutting, and I didn’t do it all day, but I thought about it, and obsessed over it, and even overnight was still thinking about it, and ended up doing it Monday morning. I scratched today too.
The ironic thing, the keys I use to cut up my arms are the ones that go to the house we had foreclosed on us. There is probably some psychological reason for that… plus they are nice and sharp. Hubby and Dr are worried that I am going to up the ante- since it used to just be my fingernails and now it’s keys…. they are afraid it will go to blades. And I can’t promise that it won’t. I try to make the key injuries worse by putting hand sanitizer on them to make them burn more, or I get them wet because that makes it worse. Dr wanted to know if I am cleaning them good, and I said no. She’s trying to make sure that they won’t get infected since I am breaking the skin, and I answered her honestly. No. I only wash them when I shower. She told me how important it was to keep it clean so it won’t get infected, but if I am honest with myself I kind of want it to be infected. I want it to hurt. I love the hurt. I love the pain. It’s a distraction. It’s a punishment I can inflict on myself before anyone else can hurt me.
I am reading this as I am typing it, and I wonder if those of you reading this think I have lost my mind, or if some of you have gone through the same thing or at least understand. Hubby does not understand I know that much. Thankfully, he doesn’t get angry with me, though we talked today about why it bothers him so much that I do it and he said he wouldn’t let anyone else hurt me, he doesn’t want to let me do it.
Part of my problem today, was something from my timehop.
This popped up from 3 years ago today:
The picture on the right, was not taken that night, but that was the dress I was wearing. When I fit into that dress, I felt pretty, for the first time in my life. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t at that magic number I thought I needed to be at, but I did feel pretty. People noticed me. And when I read that timehop today my heart broke into a million pieces. For a very short time my husband was able to have a woman on his arm that he could be proud of for her looks, yes, it’s superficial but it’s the first impression. I texted him this morning that, he deserved the prom queen, not her crazy, fat, grandmother. He was a little confused by the grandmother comment but I guess it’s because I look at this picture and a picture of myself and I feel like I have aged a decade instead of 3 years.
My husband has loved me when I was 118 when we met at ages 16 and 17, when I was 260 after having each of our babies at 235 when I started the journey, when I was 180, 170, 160, and at my adult lowest of 147, but he deserves so much more. He is athletic, he’s thin, he’s attractive and even at 38 years old turns heads. I’m not blind. I’m pretty sure people wonder why he’s with someone like me. Recently I asked him if he would still love me if I were 600lbs and he said yes of course but he couldn’t promise he would still find me sexy/attractive. And this morning I put him on the spot and said, and tell me, are you still as attracted to me as you were that night (the one in the timehop), and he looked at me, I could see his mind moving- do I tell her yes, knowing she knows I’m lying, or do I admi the truth and say no and hurt her feelings. So let him off the hook, I said you don’t have to answer I know the truth is no so you don’t have to answer the trick question.
I hate the way I look, how can I expect him to like the way I look? Who honestly could be attracted to a woman who has rolls on her rolls, her arms are as big as some people’s thighs? And add to that my mental health issues, I don’t know why he stays here with me. He puts up with my mood swings, my hating of myself, my self harm, the extra he has had to pick up at home with my depression, anxiety and OCD. And he doesn’t feel good either, between his fibromyalgia and his disk herniation it’s not fair of me to ask him to pick up the slack. I should be doing these things.
I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve anything. I told my counselor today that I don’t deserve my friends that have been so good to me. Im not sure why I don’t feel like I dont deserve anything but that’s how I feel. Today is not a good day. Not at all.