A day of triggers…

First little one isn’t listening.  The only job I have for her today is to clean her room, and she’s just not doing it.  I have cleaned her room 4 times in the last month and she has 4 times in the last month insisted on dumping everything in the middle of her floor.  I just can’t clean it today I don’t have it in me. So she HAS to do it, and I know she can.  She doesn’t clean it she doesn’t get her play date on Friday,  plain and simple.

Second, DHHS has sent us a paper requiring my husband to attend a 4 hour meeting about “back to work” and TANF introduction.  Firstly we have been on TANF for almost 2 years now, pretty sure we know how it works.  Secondly, he is exempt from the back to work program since he is under TANF because he is disabled, and 3rdly his doctor sent a note that he is not able to sit or stand for more than like 5 minutes…. how on earth can he attend a 4 hour meeting? So that triggered my anxiety.  And so I have to call them, I try to get through to talk to the person I usually deal with, she knows our case inside and out and they won’t let me talk to her OF COURSE so now I am on hold for what they say can be up to 45 minutes.  The phone is a HUGE trigger for me, I hate the phone. And to sit here listening to their crappy elevator music is making my heart race and my head pound.

Thirdly more phone stuff- big one as I mentioned took the train to the city to go to the museum and has called me no less than 6 times since 8am.  My father does the same thing.  They call and update me on every little thing they are doing.  I just took a poop.  Hi I just saw the probability exhibit.  Hi Im at dialysis.  Hi Im walking across the street. Seriously people, this is my life.  Sometimes I swear that big one is a clone of my dad in some ways.  DHHS finally answered I talked to them, they were no help as usual and now my hands are shaking and I am having a full on panic attack. The result of that conversation is that we need to call someone else. I had to make my husband call, I couldn’t hand it. I am so sick of dealing with people, with appointments for this that and the other thing. I can feel the panic rising up in my body starting with my feet and up to pounding in my ears as I listen to him talk to this lady on the phone who obviously doesn’t understand that his doctor said no sitting or standing for more than like 5 minutes and they want him to attend a 4 hour meeting. They don’t seem to get that he can’t do that.

Today is trash day, I had to clean the catboxes, therefore I am contaminated, and I am going to have to shower, but first I need to clean the rug near the door the contaminates brought in on our shoes (that’s as far as I allow shoes in my house), and the rug is very dirty and I am just freaking out. I am panicking over that too.

All these triggers are going to have a blow back.  I am going to do something I can feel obsessions and compulsions rising up into my throat.  I don’t know if that means that I am going to cut, or overeat, or just feel panicked all day.  But this isn’t good I haven’t felt this panicked since starting valium and my next dose isn’t for 3 hours.

I need to find someone to help me handle the daily rigors of life. Dealing with DHHS and doctors and everything else.  I need out of this life.

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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