First, I posted this in one of my support groups online and want to share it here.
My sister has always been my phone a friend. She’s not only my sister, she’s my best friend, she’s known me my whole life obviously, she went through the same childhood things I did, and she is also a licensed therapist, so while she keeps her ethics and doesn’t counsel me, she knows how to talk me down, she’s a great listener, she has a ton of insight into me, and is just a general overall comfort to me. But she has asked me to step back, and not come to her with this stuff for a while because our dad is in medical crisis that is taking up a lot of her personal time, and she doesn’t feel like she can handle us both. She is setting healthy boundaries, that I don’t blame her for in the least, but they are killing me. I need my phone a friend. When I am panicking the way I am today, when I just need to cry to someone I need her. We don’t usually talk on the phone because the phone is a trigger for me, we use messenger or text, but still I don’t have her. and I need her, but I can’t tell her how much I need her because my father is more emergent. He’s failing fast and we are trying to save him, from himself and his poor decisions. but I need my baby sister. I need her and I can’t have her. and I resent my father maybe that makes me an awful person but I won’t go into the reasons I can rationalize my feelings of resentment. I have a brother I could talk to, but he has a wife with issues of her own, and a son that he has to do most everything for because of his wife’s mental issues, plus he works all day at a bank,. he can’t very well be texting with me while doing his job. I don’t want to be a burden to people, and until Dad’s medical crises I knew I wasn’t a burden sharing all this…. and I don’t want to put it on my status I am hiding my mental health issues from almost everyone in my life, and besides my sister will see it. I hope this post is ok, but I am really struggling today……
So there’s that.
But lets get to the alternate title about my counselor being Polly-Fucking-Anna. First of all, you will rarely see me use profanity. I am a Christian, I have strong morals and values and it’s against my moral code, except sometimes I slip up, and sometimes it’s the only word that fits. And in this case, it is the only word.
My homework for the past 2 weeks is to write down 2 positive things about my life each day. What a joke. First of all, there are days I legitimately can’t find anything positive to say. Im not going to say “I have a roof over my head”, or “I have food to eat” or “I have heat” or “Im not being sold into human trafficking”. I mean come the hell on. So let’s look at today. Today I am going to write-
- I took a shower
- I vacuumed the rug in front of the kitchen door
But what we aren’t going to talk about- what she doesn’t want me to do is to turn those positives into negatives, but the truth is if you looked closer at them THEY ARE!
- I took a shower today, I hadn’t taken one since Sunday, and the only reason that I took one was that I was contaminated from cleaning the catboxes, helping with trash day and vacuuming the contaminated rug. So tell me is that REALLY a positive thing?
2. I vacuumed the rug in front of the kitchen door. Because I was obsessing about it. It’s where everyone enters and removes their shoes because shoes beyond that point contaminates my home (but believe me the irony does not escape me we have dogs and cats with dirty paws I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about that). That’s the only reason. So tell me is that a positive? Giving into an OCD requirement?
You know what else we aren’t going to talk about? The fact that between my last blog post and the vacuuming of the rug I spent about 15 minutes scratching my arms with my keys.
We also aren’t going to talk about that I now I have 3 levels of clothing contamination instead of 2. 1. Clothes worn outside of the house- they must come off when I come home. 2. Clothes worn in the house, may be worn on the furniture and on the outside of the duvet of my bed. 3. My pajamas, they may only be worn underneath my blankets or with no blankets, and must not leave my room except to go to the bathroom, or make our 1 time a night trek to the kitchen to get ice cream where they do not touch anything or any furniture.
We also aren’t going to talk about the fact that if I accidentally walk barefoot in my house I have to clean my feet with clorox wipes. Even though we don’t wear shoes in the house. I have to wear socks and preferably socks and slippers. And every so often the bottom of my slippers are clorox wiped.
These are all the things we aren’t going to talk about. She just wants a neat little list of the positive. I call BS. I think it’s a stupid assignment, I will do it because my OCD and Anxiety require me to do what is expected of me, lest someone be disappointed but I honestly am not sure that at this point in the therapeutic process this is very therapeutic.
And if I am feeling really brave I will share this with her next week….. we’ll see.