It’s NOT a good sign…

I’d say it’s not a good sign when at 10:13am you’ve met your quota of life for the day…. and you didn’t even get out of bed until 9:20am.  I’m just so over it all.  I don’t even have a specific reason and that’s what pisses me off the most.  If I had a reason say- someone peed in my corn flakes (which I didn’t have for breakfast I again gorged myself on cocoa pebbles the cereal that I would dare bet get soggiest in the milk before any other).  But no, there’s no reason.  No one has said a cross word, little one has been listening- actually she’s been training her kitten (everyone say awwww).  And hubby he’s had breakfast and done nothing to irritate me.  Big one won’t be home until about noon time. So who knows what my problem is. But I am just irritated and frustrated, and already ready for my nap.  Seriously, I have a problem.

I decided this week to write out a short narrative to share with my medication doctor because when I go into her office each week, or every other week I just have no answers for her, she asks how I am doing and I can’t remember, so I just say eh.  I guess ok. Unless I remember some specific event.  But I need to do better than that if I really want help and really want to feel better, because if this is as good as it gets, forget it, I am throwing in the towel here.

It’s taking so much effort just to write this, and it exhausts me knowing that big one is coming home soon, he’ll be wired, tired and irritable. We will argue and fight.  And my day will be ruined and so will his….. unless I just let him come home and play on his computer…. if I am honest that’s probably what I will do once he takes care of what he brought with him because my GAF is low today.  And I don’t mean global assessment of functioning for those in the psychiatric field.

We applied for SSDI for hubby last night, that was 4 hours of my life I will never get back, 4 hours of my life remembering the husband I used to have, the active, happy-go-lucky, positive, athletic husband.  Not the hurting, depressed, exhausted one I have now.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t love him any less, but I know that he hates being like this, he misses the old him as much as I do.  That makes me sad.

I guess that’s enough for now.  There will probably be more later……

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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