The morning started by finding out I was denied by SSI. I assumed that was going to happen, but it was still a kick in the teeth because financially we would struggle a little less than we do now. But it still was hard to read and caused a bit of a panic attack of course. We still have other options and hubby’s doctor has encouraged him to apply for permanent disability so hopefully he will get approved. Of course, I expect there to be appeals and he not get approved the first time. My application was a long shot and we knew that. So while it caused anxiety and nausea I was able to breathe through.
But when I got downstairs my day went to hell quickly. I haven’t talked much about big one’s issues, but he is high functioning autism, anxiety, ADHD and bipolar. This mixture of mental illnesses, developmental issues and behavior issues causes many disruptions in our household. Things are especially bad when his schedule has been disrupted, and especially if he has been doing something is fun. (I know that seems a bit counter-intuitive but doing fun things triggers him. Every since he got up this morning he has been fighting me about everything. He threw his Bible across the room, he’s been yelling and screaming at me, calling me names, being as horrible as a teenager can be especially when you add his diagnoses. His outbursts are so much like my father’s sometimes. And when he acts like this it brings up my PTSD and my anxiety. I have no coping skills for this behavior. Not only do I not have coping skills for my own problems, add to the fact that he’s my son, I can’t just cut him off or walk away. I am his mother, his teacher, his caretaker, and his abuse victim. I am in an abusive relationship with my son! How do you get out of that? Thankfully his worker is here today for most of the day and I can just let her handle him.
I’m feeling anxious today. I am letting little one have a play date with two of her friends (sisters) today. I want to take a nap before they get here so that I have some time to prepare. I guess there isn’t much more I can say, I feel depressed and anxious, and just don’t have anything witty to say I guess. I used up all my creative juices last night with the description of the war in my head.