I want to write something tonight, I have thoughts swirling in my head, and I can’t grasp a single one to pick to write about, they come and fly away it’s like trying to catch fireflies. I’m feeling depressed, and sad, and yet I can’t pinpoint a reason. I didn’t do hardly anything today, a couple loads of laundry that I have yet to fold and put away. Lugged up a couple armloads of wood. Little one had a play date and the mom and I chatted, enjoyable as always. But other than that I laid on the couch. I am just blah.
I keep insisting that I am just lazy. And maybe that’s the real crux of the problem but everyone assures me I didn’t wake up one day lazy. I don’t know. All I know is I have no motivation to do anything, nothing I have to do, nothing I want to do, nothing. I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t even window shop on Amazon like I used to. It’s great for our budget but still. I keep looking for an elusive item, this magical item. Happiness. Contentment. And though insight/logic knows it can’t be found in stuff, that doesn’t stop the rest of the warriors in my head from looking for it.
I had to go to Walmart last night, I wandered aimlessly. I looked at new towels, maybe freshen up the bathroom, nah. The yarn aisle, even though I have tons I haven’t used, yet, nah. What about the book aisle, I can’t pass up a good book (as evidenced by the collection I have), nah. The elusive item couldn’t be found. So I found one of my safe cashiers and checked out, lacking the one item I wanted most, but four bags of food and other a sundries to get through the weekend.
Which has set me again on the quest to think about my counselors question about my definition of happiness and how I would know I was happy. But I still don’t have a better answer. To me happiness is still a destination, still a place I am searching to find, and it can’t be found in a new towel, a new book, or a pair of shoes. But the question is, where do I find it? How do I find it? And why is there no map, or neon sign saying THIS WAY to HAPPINESS.
I was thinking today that I am faking my way through everything… I am not looking forward to anything like I usually do- my birthday is a few days away (big deal), spring is coming (blah), summer and warmth (eh). There is just nothing. I try listening to worship music to lift my broken spirit but it only works for a few minutes, because like I learned last week from the Holy Spirit I am going to have to live through this, God isn’t going to make this path easy. I just hope it doesn’t kill me in the process.
I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to be excited for things. I want to wake up with wonder and excitement about what the day will bring instead of dread. At this point, I would settle for indifference if I can’t have happy.
Maybe none of this rambling made sense to anyone but me, but I obviously had to get it out. And just a weird thing to note I have to look at anything I am reading or typing from the side, one of the meds they have me on is giving me double vision. It’s so weird….