I want to write but not sure what about….

I want to write something tonight, I have thoughts swirling in my head, and I can’t grasp a single one to pick to write about, they come and fly away it’s like trying to catch fireflies. I’m feeling depressed, and sad, and yet I can’t pinpoint a reason.  I didn’t do hardly anything today, a couple loads of laundry that I have yet to fold and put away.  Lugged up a couple armloads of wood.  Little one had a play date and the mom and I chatted, enjoyable as always. But other than that I laid on the couch. I am just blah.

I keep insisting that I am just lazy.  And maybe that’s the real crux of the problem but everyone assures me I didn’t wake up one day lazy. I don’t know.  All I know is I have no motivation to do anything, nothing I have to do, nothing I want to do, nothing.  I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t even window shop on Amazon like I used to.  It’s great for our budget but still.  I keep looking for an elusive item, this magical item.  Happiness.  Contentment.  And though insight/logic knows it can’t be found in stuff, that doesn’t stop the rest of the warriors in my head from looking for it.

I had to go to Walmart last night, I wandered aimlessly.  I looked at new towels, maybe freshen up the bathroom, nah. The yarn aisle, even though I have tons I haven’t used, yet, nah. What about the book aisle, I can’t pass up a good book (as evidenced by the collection I have), nah.  The elusive item couldn’t be found.  So I found one of my safe cashiers and checked out, lacking the one item I wanted most, but four bags of food and other a sundries to get through the weekend.

Which has set me again on the quest to think about my counselors question about my definition of happiness and how I would know I was happy.  But I still don’t have a better answer.  To me happiness is still a destination, still a place I am searching to find, and it can’t be found in a new towel, a new book, or a pair of shoes. But the question is, where do I find it? How do I find it? And why is there no map, or neon sign saying THIS WAY to HAPPINESS.

I was thinking today that I am faking my way through everything… I am not looking forward to anything like I usually do- my birthday is a few days away (big deal), spring is coming (blah), summer and warmth (eh).  There is just nothing. I try listening to worship music to lift my broken spirit but it only works for a few minutes, because like I learned last week from the Holy Spirit I am going to have to live through this, God isn’t going to make this path easy.  I just hope it doesn’t kill me in the process.

I want to be happy.  I want to have fun. I want to be excited for things. I want to wake up with wonder and excitement about what the day will bring instead of dread.  At this point, I would settle for indifference if I can’t have happy.

Maybe none of this rambling made sense to anyone but me, but I obviously had to get it out. And just a weird thing to note  I have to look at anything I am reading or typing from the side, one of the meds they have me on is giving me double vision. It’s so weird….



Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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