Today, for the first time I think it hit hubby just how much he’s lost having me in treatment. Benzodiazepines cause memory loss. I don’t retain information like I used to. My anxiety is keeping me from wanting to leave the house. My depression is making my angry and irritable. All I want to do is sleep. I think he thinks I should be further in my healing than I am but it’s only been a month or two.
I reminded him that he is not the same husband that I had it three years ago before he got sick and he said to me but it didn’t happen all at once and he feels like he’s lost me or the old me anyway all at once.
What he doesn’t realize is that he was so very close to losing me permanently had I not started treatment and there are still days that I don’t want to live anymore.
He doesn’t understand that watching him deteriorate physically and the pain he’s in emotionally losing his abilities, his business, his livelihood hurts me too. I miss my upbeat, optimistic, happy husband. I don’t care that he can’t run a 5k in 27 mins anymore, but I care that he cares. He hurts- I hurt.