Sometimes I use my blog as an escape/avoidance device…

I don’t know if it makes any sense but there are times that I am just so irritated with people around me, that I want to just hide, but when I can’t leave I come here and I just type away. I get my feelings out, and I use it as therapy, and of course a place to complain where no one can really tell me to shut up.

Right now my husband is on the phone with his mother talking about tomorrow, the day she’s supposed to pick my kids up, and it also has to be my birthday.  The one day a year I dread more than the two days of time changes. My birthday usually brings pain, suffering, fights…. but sometimes I wonder if it was meant to be that way.  I was conceived as a product of an affair.  A married 24 year old woman, a 17 year old boy, who worked under the 24 year old woman.   I broke up a family- well I suppose you can say my parents broke up a family but I can’t help but feel guilty I mean without me there was no proof of an affair.

I don’t know why all that came out. I guess I am just letting my train of thought come out. I am also dreading tomorrow because my mother in law ruins every day she is around me, I spent Thanksgiving crying in the bathroom, Christmas was tense, every holiday, birthday, visit brings drama and I just can’t handle drama – especially hers right now. I was just listening to hubby talking to her, and he was talking about making cupcakes with the kids for my birthday, but that he wasn’t going to eat any of them, I was like look what’s the point.  If you aren’t going to eat them, and your gluten free mother isn’t going to eat them then I don’t see the point of even making the cup cakes.

She offered to bring up lunch.  What does that mean — is she bringing something we have to cook? I don’t want to cook anything and I hate other people cooking in my kitchen. I am already anxious about how this is all going to go. I am already ready to sleep through tomorrow.

I feel pissed off right now, with not particular cause. I have no real reason but I pretty much hate the world. I want to lay down on the couch and fall asleep and wake up in a few weeks……

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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