Up and Down Day

Today was a day of ups and downs. The morning started going to big one’s counseling appointment.  We had some stuff to work on and I felt it best worked out with a third party.  I’m still not sure how I am feeling about the way the appointment turned out.  Big one badgered me into telling him what caused my breakdown, I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it with him, part of it because he feels like I love his sister more, (which is NOT true) but also because I have mostly hidden the horrors of my childhood from him.

After the appointment hubby headed to work for one of his last days.  But it’ll be his last day this week, big one and little one are headed to my inlaws for a couple of days to give us a break.  A much needed break.

After that I came in and took a nap until about 1/1:30.  Leaving the house just wears me out. Completely.  After big one had woken me up several times to log him into his computer, even though his checklist wasn’t complete I got up and we had words. Lots of words.  He said “screw you” to me, which was the straw that broke the camel’s back and caused me to call his dad.  He thinks he can say anything he wants to me.  His outbursts and the way he thinks he can treat people reminds me so so much of my dad.  And I hate it.  I hate looking at him and see my abuser.  He was rude, obnoxious, and refusing to do his work.  Mainly we asked him to vacuum the house, and he was just doing a horrible job, and skipping rooms with the excuse he didn’t want to wake me….. but he didn’t seem to have a problem waking me a million times to log him in.

I took little one outside.  Here in the North East we still have some snow, but this week we are having some really warm weather.  I can’t say it made me feel amazing, or anything my problems are all still there but it was nice to have sunshine on my skin for a few minutes… until I sunk in the snow, fell down and had a REALLY hard time getting up. I was soaking wet, so it was time to go in.

Finally after trying to make him do it over and over, I did it, but I made him follow me every step of the way so he could “learn” since his excuse is that he “can’t do it”.  We finished that and I was exhausted. But little one wanted to play a couple games of Rat a Tat Cat, so I played more than I can count and she was happy.

Now, I am back at my happy place, on the couch, curtains drawn closed and resting. I am going to have to figure out supper soon…. But since I didn’t eat lunch until 3:30 I am not that hungry. But hubby is on his way home….

My hip is killing me from the vacuuming.  I start PT for that tomorrow morning…. I don’t have high hopes.  And tomorrow is my birthday BLECH.  Nothing good ever comes from that day.


Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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