I’m laying in bed with my husband watching TV and all of a sudden I get that sick feeling in your stomach like something bad is about to happen. A feeling of dread. My heart is racing, my head feels like it’s in a vice, my ears are ringing. I took my “sleepy” pill over an hour ago and I’m not the least bit sleepy. But tomorrow I won’t be able to stay awake tomorrow. I’ll nap for a couple hours on the couch the mear day being too much.
I wish I knew where this anxiety came from right now. I was fine a while ago and then BAM! It hit.
But something happened yesterday that I need to share. I have been searching my brain for what caused this “break”, for so long I was able to fake my way though life, my “crazy” only coming out every once in a while. Then one day BOOM! All of a sudden I couldn’t control the war in my head. Yesterday, I finally had the memory that tipped the scale. I remembered what happened.
It happened this fall. We were at my mother’s for our yearly fall activity. And little one and her cousin did something that got them in trouble with the grandparents. Something that I think was dumb, but not my call. Little one got a harsh speaking to, while in my opinion cousin got a much easier speaking too. Little one was heart broken. She felt horrible. She doesn’t like making mistakes, she wants everyone to be happy. Later cousin was upset and little one tried to do something to make him feel better and it was not received well by Uncle because it broke a rule they have about inside toys being outside. She didn’t know. All day I felt like everyone was correcting little one over and over.
That night in bed I was talking with hubby about it and that’s when it broke, that’s when I broke. I cried and cried, like I was never going to stop. That was the moment. That was the first time I had cried in years. This cry was no sniffle, it was more than an ugly cry it was shoulder heaving hysterics.
I have been saying for months that one day something just broke inside my head, but I couldn’t attribute it to an event. I kept thinking it might have been the day my dad was found unconscious, unresponsive and went into cardiac arrest for 3 minutes, when they thought he would die. But that night I literally had NO REACTION. I told hubby mater-of-factly what happened, and thought about it, but I wasn’t sad, I didn’t shed a tear. I couldn’t understand how that could have caused my break. But that’s because it wasn’t
It was the day I saw myself in my daughter’s hurt eyes. It was the day I saw my daughter treated differently than the other grandchild. It was the day that I finally let the anger, hurt, and pain from my own childhood bubble up.
I told big one today that since the day I found out I was pregnant with him my main concern was to protect him. And the same goes for little one. Little one is a clone of me in ways I can’t even tell you. From personality, to looks, to empathy and caring for others. It can’t just all be nurture some of this has to be nature, and in that moment so much more than a talking to from grandma transpired. Years of not being good enough, years of not being the most loved, years of abuse, years of neglect, years of pain immediately flooded into me. And that night laying in bed with my husband I broke. I broke in so many pieces I don’t know if I will ever be able to be put back together. I will try to put fit the pieces together with the help of therapists and doctors, but I don’t know if I will ever be whole. There is so much hurt and pain, and I honestly believe I have only scratched the surface of the painful memories that live inside my head.
Every interaction with little one I see me. It’s so hard not to grab her, hug her and tell her it’ll all be ok. She’d think me nuts because her life is ok. It’s me, I need to hug, it’s me I need to tell it’ll all be ok to. But that little girl is too hurt, to sad to untrusting to believe me- even tho I am her. So for not I plod along. Letting memories come and go, letting anxiety cripple me, letting depression exhaust me. But maybe someday, that little girl that looks so much like my own little one will run free with her pigtails flying behind her, and maybe someday perceived mistreatment of my own little one won’t cause an utter and total breakdown in me.