or Two hundred and thirty-five. I went to the chiropractor today for the first time. She had to weigh me, one foot on each scale to see my weight distribution side to side as opposed to my weight being an issue at all. She didn't even mention it. But for me it was a knife to the heart.
January 2, 2013 I was 235 pounds. I was turning 35 years old in a couple months, I decided I needed to make a change. My dad was 39 when he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and I was hoping that if I made a change at 35 I could avoid the same fate as him, and his father. So I made a choice and I counted every calorie that went into my body, I started the couch to 5K program, I did great. I lost 88lbs. I have gained 88lbs, I am right back where I started. The picture on the left is me the fall before I started, the me on the right is when I was at my smallest. How did I let this happen?
People keep telling me to focus on getting mentally healthy, and my physical ailments taken care of before I worry about losing weight, but man there are pics everywhere that remind me of how I looked, and one look in the mirror reminds me that I am back to where I was before. My husband thought I was very sexy in the right hand pics, I had visible collar bones, muscular legs- yes I know I wasn't happy even then. Even then I thought I was fat, we have come to the conclusion that I have body dysmorphic disorder, and have for decades, but anyone who looks at those two pictures can understand why looking at them would make anyone depressed. I know I shouldn't spend time looking at them, but I can't help it. Sometimes it's like am accident you're driving by you can't help but rubber neck. Why do I seek these pictures out? I really don't know I know it's not healthy. I know it's not helping me feel better. It's not that I am trying to make myself feel worse, but in the end that is the thing that happens. But when I stepped on that scale today and it read the same thing it did that day in January 4 years ago, my heart broke.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Lose, gain, lose, gain I feel like such a failure all the time. I know people who see me now, think "wow, she got fat again". I wonder what people think about that? Maybe they don't notice but I can't help but think that they must be.
#imafailure #whydidiletthishappen #ihatemyself