I spent all day with anger bubbling up just under the surface of my skin, it was there making me feel irritable and prickly all day. I went to PT this morning and that hurt so bad. My hip had not been stretched nor massaged like that in a very long time. The injury was over a year ago. I screamed out in pain a couple times, but when the therapist wanted to stop I said that was fine I like pain. I really do like pain, I don’t get it, I mean obviously there is a limit to the amount of pain I “enjoy”, but I like pain. After that a quick trip to Walmart for hubby. Dropped the groceries off and headed straight out to my counseling appointment and my med management appointment.
Pollyanna (counselor) was ok, we talked about my revelation as to what caused the breakdown, we talked about my 2 positive things a day, we talked about the increase in OCD symptoms and how I was still mad at her for moving the bathroom sign. We also talked about my emotions log I decided to keep for the med management doctor and she thinks that’s a good idea we can see patterns etc. So that was good. I told her I call her Pollyanna and she said I am not the first person to call her that. My homework was also to check out with a different receptionist and I wasn’t happy with it, this receptionist is slow, and new and doesn’t know me. She really loves pushing my comfort zone.
Then it was time to see the med doctor. She is always so pleasant. I really like her. We talked about my appointment with Pollyanna, and my frustrations from it, but that it means she’s doing her job. I told her that I called the counselor Pollyanna on my blog and she asked what her name was. I told her I hadn’t given her one yet because she hasn’t made me upset. That I am comfortable with her, she suggested Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms, but I am thinking possibly Anne of Green Gables. She looks nothing like her, but I love Anne so we’ll see…. I need to think about that more. She increased my sleeping pill, and that’s good I hope that it will help me stay asleep.
After that I made my appointments for upcoming weeks, and headed home. Of course I stopped at McDonald’s and bought a Caramel Frappe (680 calories), but I guess that’s not terrible since I had only had cocoa pebbles, a banana and a granola bar all day…. but obviously loaded with nutrition 🙄
I went to see hubby where he was, and my friend dropped off a very sweet birthday gift, and we and another friend chatted for about 45 minutes.
Then off to the sloth-like pharmacy to fill my new sleeping pill prescription.
By the time I got home I had this overwhelming feeling of dread. I don’t know what is causing it, or why I feel so anxious maybe because I was overdue for my valium, but I just took it, and hopefully this sadness that’s not bubbling below the surface of my skin will go away.
I think part of it might be that my husband got his 3rd and final opinion on his herniated disk today, and despite all my hopes and prayers, this one too believes it’s inoperable. That in time- maybe as long as a year it will heal, but he re-injurs it every year shoveling snow, or any other number of ways and has every year since 2009. I guess despite all the pogress we have made in technology, we still haven’t made things that can heal everything.
It’s been about 20 minutes since I took my valium, and the dread is still there, I want it gone, I might have to just go to sleep. Depression/anxiety is a terrible condition, it makes your body think you have certain feelings or that things are going to happen that aren’t.