So I went to my 3rd PT, 2nd where she actually does something to me today. She gives these deep tissue massages that hurt so bad I want to jump off the table, but at the same time they feel so good. Afterwards I am really sore and today was no exception. When I got dressed to leave I noticed my leggings were actually sort of capri length and well, warm weather is just arriving, and well… let’s just say my legs were not summer ready. So when I got home I decided I would shower (which was nice since I had someone touching me and that helped me with my contamination. ) But I also decided it was time to shave the forest.
The shower has always been where I do the majority of my thinking, first I started thinking about the fact that I cared so much about the fact that people might be able to see my legs. I was thinking about the people in the waiting room noticing that my legs looked like the amazon, and if they noticed what would they think about me? I thought about my therapist I couldn’t help but point out my legs to her, and apologize. Then I couldn’t help but think if she was judging me. Was she thinking how gross I am?
Which then got me to thinking why do I care so much about what other people think about me? And it’s not just people I come into contact with- I worry what the grocery clerk thinks of me, the associate stocking shelves, the person walking past me that looks at me and nods, the person at the stop sign, the people walking down the street in front of my house, my neighbors, the people behind me at a church, the other parents at the park and most of all my family and friends. The list is never ending. I constantly feel like they are looking at me and judging me. Why does this bother me? Why are these people even on my radar (well except family and friends)? What does it matter what they think of me? And of course I always think that they think bad things about me- I think I have that part figured out- I have nothing good to say about myself so therefore why would anyone else?
And then that train of thought morphed, while I was shaving, to my husband. Hi babe I know you are reading this (and please don’t take any offense to anything I say after this). I was thinking about my husband and how excited he will certainly be happy that my winter legs are gone, but it got me thinking about what he thought about me and my body. Recently we were talking about whether or not he would still love me if I was 600lbs (you remember my addiction to my 600lb life) and he said of course, but he couldn’t promise he would still be attracted to me. Which I have to admit is understandable. At 600lbs he would be my caretaker not my husband. But that conversation morphed into the 88lbs I’ve gained in the past year and a half. I was thin and muscular. Between running, spin class, pilates, other HIIT work outs I was very muscular you could see muscle definition and you could feel the muscle underneath the skin. And my husband admitted that he isn’t as attracted to me now as he was then. And it’s understandable – I was thin, sexy, muscular, and now I am lumpy, bumpy and fat. And don’t get me wrong I am so much happier he is honest with me, rather than trying to lie to me and tell me I’m just as beautiful to him now as I was then (gag- like I would believe that- I have eyes.) Which then got me obsessing about what that means. It makes me more insecure, knowing that he doesn’t feel the same when he looks at me. We have been together 22 years, in that time I have been 118-260 and everywhere in between. He’s never left me or strayed no matter my size but it still makes me insecure. It makes me wonder what he does think when he looks at me, it makes me wonder if he looks at other women wishing I looked more like them. And now, on top of all of that, he has to deal with all my mental issues. I just feel so – I don’t even know, I don’t even have words to say what my brain is thinking right now.
I hope that some day somehow I can get right in the head, and then find a way to lose some of this weight and get strong physically again. But right now, all that seems so far away. It makes me sad. I think it’s time I end this and take a nap….a nap makes everything better.