What do you do when the things you hold most dear are the very things that are causing the biggest part of your stress? 

My beautiful kiddos came home from a 5 day visit with my husband’s parents.  During the 5 days they were gone I wasn’t perfect, but I definitely felt more like myself.  My anxiety and depression was less, my OCD and PTSD less.  Now I am not saying I was healed and I was perfect, but it was “better”.  I did sleep a lot, so that didn’t change.

BUT within 5 minutes of them being home they had me wound tighter than a drum and my anxiety went through the roof! I thought it was having my mother in law and father in law being there.  My mother in law wore her shoes to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom TWICE, she knows how I feel but she never seems to accept it.  She just ignores the fact that it’s so important to me, and has no idea how that affects my OCD.  She was really rude about the fact that she had done us this HUGE favor by taking both kids and we better be grateful, and, that it’s “not a homemade pocketbook” (that’s what my mom gave me for my birthday) but it was my gift.  She is so snarky all the time.  But even after she left the kids were wired, loud and there was no peace in the house, and I felt horrible.  Hubby and I took the dogs outside and were talking about it and he told me that he didn’t want to admit it to me but he feels that the kids are at least 80% of my issues. I’m not sure what to do with that information.  My kids are never going to be calm, peaceful and compliant.  It’s just never going to happen.  I really hope that when Hubby is home because of his back he will be able to help me with them, and be a buffer that will help reign them in.

I love my children more than anything else in the world, I know that homeschooling them is the best thing for them because of their issues.  However, I don’t know how I can do all this while becoming healthy myself.  I don’t know what to do with this information that I have learned. I would gladly give my life for theirs, they were all I ever wanted, and yet they are a huge part of what’s putting me where I am.

This morning it’s only 9:30 and Big One is already at me yelling at me, screaming at me, telling me what he will and won’t be doing.  And even on valium my anxiety is through the roof, I have a headache and I am ready to go to sleep.

What do I do?

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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