Today was a lazy lazy day. I overslept and missed church. I was very disappointed in that. I wanted to hear my Pastor’s last sermon before his vacation, and I always feel better when I spend time in the word, especially with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But we got up and I ate my Cocoa Pebbles, and then started binge watching the Netflix Original Series 13 Reasons Why. Probably not the most therapeutic show I can be watching right now. But once I saw the first episode I was hooked. It was a beautiful day outside so my family were all outside and I sat on the couch with my ipad and headphones and watched 8 episodes today.
I missed a valium today because my timing was off. I am feeling a bit anxious tonight, like my body is buzzing.
I did hang out my first load of laundry this year, and I went with my husband and children so that little one could practice riding her bike. But then I went back home and headed straight to my show. My hubby and the kids made pizza and part of me wanted to join them but often my anxiety makes the environment tense and it’s easier if I just stay out of it. So I just left them to have the fun themselves. I ate one piece of the pizza and then I ate Cocoa Pebbles (of course).
I think I mentioned recently not knowing why I was addicted to my 600lb life…. I think I came up with a theory- I relate to them. I relate to their mental state. I relate to their food addiction, I relate to their relationship with food. And I worry that I could end up that way. It’s definitely a big concern of mine, I am gaining weight at the rate of a pregnant elephant. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I don’t want my husband to look at me, I don’t want anyone to look at me.
This post is awfully all over the place, I can tell I am not medicated. I guess I better post another day…..