13 Reasons Why

I just finished watching this Netflix original series. I binged it watching 8 episodes Sunday 3 yesterday and 2 today.  

This show if you don’t know is about a teenage girl who killed herself – leaving cassette tapes with 13 reasons why she killed herself.  Someone had recommended it as a bingeworthy show… 

At first it was compelling but the more I got into it the more I was disturbed.  But I couldn’t stop watching.  I saw myself in Hannah (the girl who killed herself), I saw myself in Hannah’s mom thinking about how I would feel or deal if it happened to my child.  I thought about my stepfather who lost his son son to suicide when he was 14 years old.

I thought about all the times I’ve wondered if my friends and family were better off without me, and watching the aftermath, watching how Hannah’s death caused a ripple effect throughout the entire community really hit home to me that no matter how bad things are, no matter how much I hate myself, no matter how much of a burden I feel like I am to the rest of my family and friends that I have to live.  

The ripple effect it would cause, in my family, friends, acquaintances, children, grandchildren it would all blow up – it would blow up my entire world. A world that no matter how hard it is, no matter what my world throws at me I will stay in it.  

It’s funny – today hasn’t been too bad- but then again I got up, and just put my headphones on and watched the show.  But then it was time to rejoin the real world and take the kids to their rehearsal for their play. And now I am just feeling like I need a nap and I want to go back to bed. I think I have figured out that when I am distracted, and alone, that I feel better.  But maybe that’s what depression is like- you feel better alone, doing what you want, without people depending on you.  

I think I’m going to put my earbuds in, listen to my audiobook and hopefully fall asleep for the last 2 hours of practice. 

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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