One of the Things That Hurts the Most

Once 1:15pm came my hubby and both kiddos headed off to dress rehearsal for their play this weekend.  That means I have been alone for the past 5 hours. And I realized that yes, I did nothing, well… I did go to the store to get corn for the chickens for hubby because he can’t…. but other than that I laid on the couch and did literally nothing.  And while I self harmed this morning, I have been alone all afternoon and I have had no feelings. Which is still depression yes, but I just had feeling of blah. I didn’t have anyone expecting anything from me, asking me to do anything, I ate what I wanted (too much), when I wanted (too often), and watched what I wanted on TV.  I could live like this.  But this isn’t real life.  I live in the real world and I have to be in the real world…

But back to the content of this post.  As I was driving to tractor supply this afternoon I was thinking about my husband’s business.  He opened his own shop 2 years 4 months ago.  He started the business with just the tools he had, never took a business loan and built it from the ground up slowly and steadily.  This past July things really took off, it looked like things would keep growing at a rapid pace and all our dreams would come true.  We were on track to hire someone next year, which would take pressure off of him.  Since starting the business he has only been able to work 4 days a week 5 hours a day, and he would come home exhausted, with nothing left to give us because of his fibromyalgia and other relates conditions.  Opening his own shop has been a dream of his.  And then he re injured his back.  And that was more than a set back.  He kept trying to work and things were getting worse and worse.  With his fibro, and definitely with his back.  Finally, he went to the doctor he got the diagnosis of an inoperable herniation of his disk that would never actually go away he would have to just rest and do PT and hope to manage the pain and the referred numbness with meds.

Today he came home from lunch with his friend and he told me that his friend used deductive reasoning to figure out that he won’t ever be back at the shop.  His friend reminded him that he is now essentially disabled, and he can’t go from a one person shop to hiring someone when he wasn’t even there yet – before the “temporary” closure.  It broke my heart.  This was his dream. This was to be our nest egg, our retirement.  He had built up such a good reputation in our community and even surrounding communities.

Im not sure why God has put this obstacle in our way. I am not sure what His plan is.  But I do know that my husband will never be the same. I hope that whatever comes next he is able to find happiness with- because he is becoming depressed and that kills me.  He’s my happy-go-lucky, optimistic husband.

What’s a wife to do? The two of us are broken people right now. Broken physically and emotionally.  It’s hard to see a bright side.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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