As I may have mentioned I got to have most of the day to myself, hubby taking the kids for more than 5 hours to their dress rehearsal, and as I suspected everyone was in a grumpy mood when they got home.
Little one screamed that it was all my fault she couldn’t play outside because of play practice – yes that’s my fault SURE…. and then she proceeded to play outside until it was too dark to see.
Big one immediately logged onto his computer and played Minecraft and watched Youtube. Not even so much as a hello mom.
And Hubby- poor hubby. First of all he was happy I went and got the corn for the chickens for him, but shortly thereafter realized what I had planned for dinner didn’t exist in the house. I had remembered the hot dogs but forgot to buy the gluten free mac and cheese. So I offered to change my clothes into outside clothes (remember I have several sets for different things due to my OCD rulles). And went to the store for the THIRD time today. Something I LOATHE. But I went for him.
I am not eating with them. Grumpy children and me eating doesn’t work out well lately. I will eat a bowl of cocoa pebbles by myself, in peace. I can hear Big One at the table going on and on about Minecraft I had to put my headphones on and turned on some music. I can’t stand to hear another word about Minecraft right now.
Hubby got a text from a customer about his car leaking gas. A car he just fixed the gas leak, he’s got no clue what could have happened because he fixed it, he took it for a test drive but here we go. He’s not supposed to be working but this person is a friend so what does he do?
Listening to him talk tonight he is feeling really upset about the loss of the business… it’s interesting that just a couple hours ago I was posting about that.
It’s so interesting to me that it wasn’t until real life returned that the sadness and anger descended back onto me like a lead blanket. I won’t pretend I was “ok” today, people who aren’t depressed don’t lay on the couch all day long and do nothing except eat, drink and watch tv. But right now, I feel on the verge of tears. My children are not being nice, my husband is depressed, I can’t stand to see him hurting. This is another trigger for me to want to hurt myself. Seeing the pain in his eyes makes me want to hurt myself, like it would take his pain away- rationally I know that’s not the case. But I am also not mentally well 😉
I know I can’t escape real life forever, but this can’t be good. I love my family. I really do. They are all I ever wanted. But why is it right now they are the thing that triggers me worse.
I feel like this is the only place I can really talk about how I am feeling. I have 2 friends in real life that mostly know the extent of what I am going through and I try not to burden them too much, I don’t want to be “that friend”. The one that you dread seeing or talking to because they are just a downer. And I can’t lay it all on hubby- though I know he reads these or most of them anyway…. Sometimes I feel so alone. And not in the good way like today, alone like no one else can possibly understand how I am feeling, and most people who know me know “something’s up” and they seem scared of me. Like I am a leper or something. Like I can give them my depression. My mother in law is case in point. I overheard a conversation between her and hubby the other night and she seemed like she was scared of me. Like she didn’t know how to even talk to me. LIKE A PERSON. That’s it.
I feel like I have so much on my mind but I can’t seem to work the thoughts out in my mind. My thoughts are racing too much at this point. They are jumping from thing to thing that I am upset about and I don’t know where to stop.