A friend told me this week that these play productions my children were in are like giving birth, you toil in pain, and discomfort, then the play comes, somehow what looked like a trainwreck on Monday magically comes together on Friday night and Saturday afternoon and it’s a beautiful thing. I had considerable anxiety throughout both days for so many reasons.
- I didn’t volunteer to help with anything. Not set up, not break down, not costumes, or make up or even bringing a snack. I got my kids there – that’s it.
- I had to deal with family, and many family dynamics that just plain suck.
- Little one had meltdowns before both performances over makeup.
- I was surrounded by a lot of people all the time without a reprieve.
I am glad the play is over. Will I let my kids do it again? If you had asked me Thursday I would have said NO WAY, in fact Friday night I said just that, but tonight, the answer is maybe. It’s just like when a woman gives birth, you don’t ask her mid push if she wants another baby, you wait until she’s had a chance to see the outcome and hold her creation.
Changing gears- for the first time in a very long time hubby was upset with me, let me rephrase- he was “bothered”. A friend had asked a favor of me, and me being me, a people pleaser, said yes. It wasn’t a big favor, and I feel like I owe so much to her so I said yes. But he was bothered by the fact that I barely get off the couch, that I don’t do a lot at home and I agreed to do a favor for her. I can completely see his point. He has had to pick up so much slack on things he’s never had to do before in all our years of marriage. I feel so guilty he has had to do that, and I feel guilty he was upset with me. And it’s all I have thought about since he told me a couple hours ago. I am just fixated on the fact that I “bothered” him. I can’t stand to disappoint anyone and I have worked myself up into quite a state.
I got the favor done a few minutes ago so that that would be out of the way and then at least it wouldn’t be something between us anymore – but he says it’s not between us, he said his peace and it was over. But not for me. I will carry this with me for a very long time. It has become an open festering wound like so many other instances in my life. Dramatic? Yes. But that’s what happens. This is why I avoid. I really need to just withdraw from life even more. My heard can’t take these wounds. Eventually I am going to have another breakdown and I don’t know if I will ever be the same.
Hubby- I know you are reading this, and I know that for you it’s over, you aren’t angry with me, that you never were. You said part of you is glad I am doing something other than being on the couch. You were more than gracious about the whole thing, but I need to apologize again. I am so sorry that I did something that upset you. I wish I could go back in time and just have said no. I wish I could have done something different. Please forgive me- even though I know you don’t feel like there is anything to forgive you know how I am. I love you- more than you know.