Still Upset

I am still upset and brooding about hubby being bothered yesterday. I know he’s probably forgotten all about it, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind. I can’t let it go, he’s very rarely every upset/bothered by things so this is a big deal to me.  I know part of his reaction was the fact that he had to spend 24 hours with his mother, which usually puts him in a “mood” but still he very rarely gets upset with me.  He always has just let me do whatever I wanted (within reason), and never complained.  So this is an anomoly that my brain can’t file away.  There’s no category for this. And therefore I’m stuck. I’m perseverating.  Im going over in my mind what I should have done differently.

Add to that, I accidentally looked in the mirror last night and this morning while getting dressed.  I was repulsed. I can’t imagine my husband wanting to be anywhere near this version of me. I have just gone so far beyong where I used to be.  I want to cry because it’s been a long time since I felt this disgusted with myself.

I didn’t sleep well, and therefore when my alarm went off I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep. Which means missing church again.  I need church.  My kids need church.  My husband needs church.  But I just can’t drag myself out of bed. I feel so guilty about it.  I know there is freedom in Christ, I know He forgives me.  I know there is now no condemnation in Christ.  But there is condemnation in me.  There is no forgiveness for me.  I don’t allow things like this. I am just so mad at myself today for so many reasons.  I don’t even know where to begin.

I kmow what’s going to happen as soon as this is written I am going to go switch my laundry over, I was going to hang it out, but clouds are coming and going out to the lines sounds like so much work.  Start a new load.  Go get a sweatshirt because now I am cold.  And then I will commence avoidance techniquie #1 Naptime. My only escape from a world I can’t understand, and am not happy with right now.

So off to lala land I go.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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