Back to School

Today was our first day back at full-time home school and Big One has really not taken too well to it. It seems in just a couple of weeks he has forgotten what the routine is, and what his expected of him.  But this time I have had enough.  I am burnt out on school, and my depression, anxiety and PTSD prevent me from allowing him to scream at me.  So now his math is done on his own.  He used to have me for help but too little too late.  All he’s done is scream at his father, his worker and I.  I have told him that I am not helping him with his math today.  He is basically in 9th grade and can work through them on his own and I will correct them, with him having to redo the ones he gets wrong.

He is such a trigger for me.  He knows just what buttons to push and how far he can push me before I will give up.  He is no different than my mentally ill father, and sometimes I have a really hard time separating the two of them.  Is that fair to him? I really don’t know, but I also know it’s not fair to me that he is so verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

I know a lot of you might be wondering why I don’t just put him on the bus and let him be the problem of the public school? Don’t think the thought doesn’t cross my mind, way more often than I can tell you. But we tried school, for several years early in his educational journey, when he wasn’t nearly as “bad off’ as he is now and the school system failed him time and time again.  In fact one of my PTSD issues is the trauma I suffered fighting the school all the way to the department of education with a formal complaint (Where they were found guilty on several counts of failing to follow his IEP and some of the accusations and guilt was found across the board not just my son).

Neither of my “special” children would thrive in the public school department, neither of them fit into the box that is required.  So instead I know that I will have to give them the education they need.  I just hope that I am able to give them everything and more.  But I know that I need to heal myself before I can give them anymore of me.  Thankfully Big One is old enough to work mostly independently.  Little one isn’t technically compulsory age until the fall so I don’t have to worry so much about her, and she really is a smart cookie.  I was blessed with two very intelligent children thankfully.

It’s been over an hour for math and he’s still yelling and screaming and telling me that he is not going to do this blah blah blah.  He would be done if he had just done the problems and not fought so hard.

He’s in there right now screaming how much I “freaking hate him” and if I loved him I wouldn’t make him do this.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep.  I just hate this fighting and upheaval.  I keep hoping that we will find a happy medium in his behavior and he will learn proper interactions with me, and others.  That he will respect me as his mother.  That he will learn to live with integrity. But alas we aren’t there yet. And given that on top of the spectrum stuff, he’s bipolar. I just hope he can learn to control his anger and emotions so that he can live a semi normal life on his own instead of needing to live with us his entire life.

I am so tired of listening to him yelling and screaming and swearing.  If only I could get through to him. There’s nothing to fix here, it’s just that I want to get this all out.


Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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