I woke up so angry today. Like a deep rage that has no beginning and no end. I am hollering at anyone who crosses my path and I am trying to steer clear of everyone, but they just keep coming at me. I really don’t want to yell at my children, but they seem to know the days that I am worn to the bone and they find those to be the best days to challenge me on every last little thing.
I know a lot of my anger is left over from all the stuff yesterday, but I can’t say that this amount of anger should correlate with the stuff that happened yesterday. I can honestly say I don’t remember ever having this much rage stuffed inside me.
Then I think about all of you reading this blog, you are probably all rolling your eyes, thinking that I am always complaining, that I always have a “problem”. And it does appear that way. (And maybe I am ascribing feelings to perfect strangers that they don’t have-that’s something I do, online and in real life). But you have to understand that I talk to very few people in my “real” life about what’s going on with me. Most days I put on a smile, act like nothing is wrong, meanwhile I am literally dying inside. There are a select few people who know “most” of what I am going through but this is the only place I am truly 100% honest. The only place I let it all hang out, because it’s anonymous.
Today I feel like my life is in the proverbial toilet and I just want someone to flush. Send me down to the sewer where I can just drown in the shit that is my life. Dramatic? Maybe. True? 100%
Someone asked me today for a positive in my life and I wanted to punch them through the phone. Seriously. I wanted to say did you seriously just ask me that? I am ready to quit facebook, and messenger and remove myself from life as much as possible. I am tired of talking to people. Tired of being around people trying to pretend that everything is ok. Nothing is ok. Nothing at all. I honestly and truly believe that it will never get better. I believe this is the best there is. and that’s an extremely depressing thought.
Thankfully I have an appointment with my med dr and Pollyanna today. I am hoping she gives me stronger meds. I need out of this pit and the lifeline that got thrown down broke and I fell the rest of the way down. Im laying here at the bottom, debating the merits of just staying down here. I think I would rather just remain here, away from everyone.
Im sure this won’t be my last post today, but I need to go shower because my OCD is making me feel extremely filthy.