I don’t know how I feel today….

Is that a thing? To not know? I woke up from a fitful sleep exhausted, anxious and restless.  My hands were shaking so bad I dropped an egg on the floor.  I had taken my Effexor and Latuda but I’ve been trying to hold off on the Valium in order to still have a dose for bedtime…. but it’s not helping me sleep so I don’t know why I’m doing that… I ended up taking my valium 2 hours early. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Once the anxiety calmed down I was more able to function, however I am pretty sure Latuda is causing extreme itching all over my body with no sign of rash, hives or anything else. I am going to have to call my doctor tomorrow.  It’s a mixed bag.  I am not sleeping – con.  But I think it’s decreasing my depression or least making me feel less sad and mad and more – meh- so pro.  I am itching ALL OVER MY ENTIRE BODY- con.

I am also sweating and hot ALL THE TIME.  And for those of you that know me I am ALWAYS cold, always.  Right now it’s 7:45pm in the 40s outside and I have all the windows open in my bedroom and I am still sweating. And if all that wasn’t enough I am having some major issues in the private marriage life (if you catch my drift)- major con.

I think I just want her to take me off it I think.  I think I would rather be depressed and able to sleep, and not itch and be depressed than to be like this.

And now my little one’s rooster has ran away (he’s a mean SOB and part of me hopes he doesn’t come back) but she’s completely devastated.  It’s starting to get so hopefully the darn rooster will come back.  He’s back.  Thank goodness because I couldn’t handle a devastated 6 year old.  That rooster is nothing but TROUBLE.

Switching gears again– hmm is that a side effect too? Pollyanna wants me to write something up that says how I came out of a situation like this in the past.  The thing is I have never had a breakdown like this before. Not this bad… I had something similar in highschool, but I am not sure if I am ready to talk to her, or anyone else about what precipitated that breakdown.  The only one who knows almost all of the story is my husband. And he doesn’t know the gory details of some of it.  I might have to tell her I am not ready to discuss what happened.  I can tell her how I got out of it, but how I got out wasn’t something that can be replicated.  I was on a path of self destruction, and I was saved.  By a boy.  A boy who cared about me, that boy saved me from the pain at home, he saved me from the pain at school, he saved every part of me.  And today he’s my husband.  I don’t know what he did to save me, I don’t know how he did it, other than loving me, just the way I was, flaws, baggage, all of it.

But what will save me this time?

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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